It sounds like you are sexually monogamous in a relationship with a non-monogamous poly female? It has been crucial for me along this very steep learning curve to use language that is as absolutely specific as possible, as the concepts and behaviors themselves are so distinct. Polyamory has precisely zero to do with sex, as far as I understand it. Non-monogamy has precisely zero to do with polyamory. Of course, the two choices/preferences/orientations/lifestyles can and do overlap and co-exist, but they do not *necessarily* do so.
When you speak of poly being represented hurtfully in movies, are you perhaps referring to sexually open relationships?
Maybe certain aspects of your perspective that seem hypocritical could actually just be a confusion of terms. I was talking just a couple nights ago with a friend of mine who is polyamorous and in a monogamous, committed relationship. Her partner is not polyamorous, but he is non-monogamous. They have a working and mutually supportive arrangement where he gets to have sex with whomever he wants as long as there is no attachment and she gets to love whomever she wants as long as there's no sex. This wouldn't work for me, I don't think (what do I know? Maybe, with the right person, it would?) but it works great for them and has for the past 17 years.
Anyway, I do hear a distinct split in your post between your heart and your mind. It sounds like you "buy" the *idea* of poly but don't really feel it? I lived that way for decades regarding monogamy.