Originally Posted by inlovewith2
So, now what? Can I just “go back” to being mono? Regardless, I know that I need to put things on hold with my secondaries, but damn if that's not hard on many levels...
Well, I imagine it's probably pretty hard for your "secondaries", too, since they're having their relationship with you stop and start at the whims of you and your partner.
Anyway, I think that this identity stuff; "I'm poly-, he's mono-, she's polyflexible" etc. can just confuse things, at least some of the time. Plenty of people in long term monogamous relationships find themselves attracted to, or falling in love with, someone other than their partner. They then decide whether to explore that, either by cheating or leaving, or not.
I don't think that "being poly-" makes much of a difference in all this, with one exception. If one finds oneself interested in someone who is themselves interested in being poly-, that makes it a lot more tempting to leave, because one can then have the kind of relationship one has been wanting to have. Other than that, an identity or relationship style preference doesn't drive one into new relationships; we all deliberately choose to do that each time.