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Old 07-13-2010, 03:29 PM
Bold Bold is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 15

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
you are being considerate in saying that you will leave if you have to adjust to poly... but I'm not sure what you are saying here... ? yes, it would be selfish if you were not up front about that...
Edit: ...Oh, sorry, I misread. I was up front about it, yeah.

obviously someone has rubbed you the wrong way with their "we are the future, we are the way," religious like propaganda... just so you know, not all of us think that way. I know there is a lot of mono bashing that goes on for poly people that have been hurt, are new to poly and in NRE about it or just are not open minded about anyone being different, but that is not always the case and I suggest that you smile, nod and move on to someone else to get some more balanced insight.
Okay. I know not all poly are like that.

If this happens because Erato is naturally a flirt and affectionate, then no, no reason to be alarmed and it is probably best to chalk it up to the wonderful woman she is, but, if she is otherwise not, then I would be very interested in what is going on for her.

Dangerous territory if it is with a potential love interest. You could save yourself a world of negative emotions if you open your eyes and look around to see what is going on and embrace it. It might be better to be involved right from the beginning of her budding interests, rather than come along later and catch up. That is if you even decide to be okay with her poly nature.
She's naturally a flirt, yeah. And yes, the potential love interest flirting was a more uncomfortable thought.

I find this contradictory to what Erato was saying you thought you could handle. And now you also have said it. You have no idea how much time and energy a shared girlfriend would take up, and your complaint is that Erato would have less time for you...

Another woman in the mix is not going to sit like one of those "real live dolls" that one can buy over the internet. Waiting for the next time you and Erato decide to engage in her. It just doesn't work like that. You can be rest assured my friend that she would want alone time with Erato, alone time with you, have her own goals/agenda's, quirks, triggers..... on and on and on... that would mean you and Erato would have less time together.

Erato is asking to have the chance to spend alone time with someone other than you, while having you in her life also to spend alone time with. Another woman in both your lives would require that also. How is it different what she is asking for than what you are willing to accept? you would probably get to know this person, or at least should and who knows might even cultivate a really good friendship with them based on loving the same woman... among other things.

Besides, wanting to have two girlfriends is poly... how do you justify that? Finding a unicorn that will stick it out for the long haul is also next to impossible to find, just so you know.
I guess I was just looking for something at all that would be easier for me to get used to. I didn't actually want two girlfriends, only if that made her happy. I guess, like she doesn't understand my mono, I don't understand the need to exclude me from part of her love life, yet it's not because she loves me any less. That's very hard to wrap my head around.

I guess "allowing flirting" is a turn of phrase that rubs me the wrong way. Is there a curfew and an allowance as well?

To add to what Red Pepper wrote about you having two girlfriends: It reads to me like you are on a power and possession trip. Your form of monogamy sounds like a design to control your partner. If you have two girlfriends, you are still in control. (They are both "faithful" to you).

You are in a relationship with a poly woman, man. You will not control her heart or eventually body. She will have to decide for herself and in her innermost heart what she can commit to and what she can't. One thing you can probably count on is 100% honesty if you let her be who she is.
Hey, wait, no. I really don't like that explanation. It's working to make her comfortable and me miserable, which won't make her that happy either. Like, is the relationship itself still mono if another person is allowed in? She would no longer be focusing it all on me, which does sound selfish, yes, but it's just...mono. I want to be able to get to a point where I can be comfortable enough with poly that she can have another lover without me waiting at home, heartbroken and begging time to go faster.

It seems unbalanced to say poly should get priority in a relationship. It's frustrating because mono seems controlling, but it's still suppressing a part of who I am to have that other lover, which is something she does and not me. And yes, flirting in front of me is hurtful, and as I understand it can be to poly people as well if they aren't comfortable with it.

If we were both working on our fears I think it'd be easier to get to an agreeable point. I don't want to have to break up. I do my best to make sure Erato is comfortable, but I have to set boundaries so I don't compromise who I am, while she sets different boundaries with poly things that I'd be okay with.

Last edited by Bold; 07-13-2010 at 09:19 PM.
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