Good for you sucking it up so far. I can see that you are trying your hardest to let it play out and let her learn from her own mistakes. To what end though? How long and how far are you willing to stay in this? Eventually it will reflect on your integrity and good judgment also.
Thanks again for the advice everyone. Geez what a mess. Redpepper, I really do appreciate your input. Ten days ago I was able to brag about my wife having more integrity than anyone I know. I can't cast stones, I've been a mistress in the past and know what a disaster she is headed for. I am sincerely trying to suck it up, I guess you asked the 20 million dollar question, to what end? Right now, my heart, mind, and body all have different masters. I love her so deeply, but i just dont know if I'm equipped for this. I really am trying, Im educating myself, seeking help from friends and strangers, biting back my snide comments, being kind and loving (as best I can) to them both. I just dont know what else to do.
Edit to add:
I've suggested some websites to her, bought her 'Ethical Slut' she responded she figured out how to be gay all on her own, she'll figure this out too. She isn't willing to talk to any of her/our friends about it, and is not ready to tell her family.. I keep encouraging her, begging her, to do something. I told her Im not trying to fix anything, but maybe if she got educated on this all, she might be able to help me deal.