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Old 07-13-2010, 06:06 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Originally Posted by Bold View Post
[i]I just wanted to make sure it was clear. I wanted extra room in our relationship and if I had to adjust to poly or leave that being considerate of me? If it isn't, then, isn't that selfish?
you are being considerate in saying that you will leave if you have to adjust to poly... but I'm not sure what you are saying here... ? yes, it would be selfish if you were not up front about that...

Originally Posted by Bold View Post
I don't want that freedom, however, even though it can be (in my opinion) incorrectly stated to be the one true way because it's more open-minded. Basically, close-mindedness about open-mindedness. Poly doesn't offend me or anything. People who think they're better than me because they are do.
obviously someone has rubbed you the wrong way with their "we are the future, we are the way," religious like propaganda... just so you know, not all of us think that way. I know there is a lot of mono bashing that goes on for poly people that have been hurt, are new to poly and in NRE about it or just are not open minded about anyone being different, but that is not always the case and I suggest that you smile, nod and move on to someone else to get some more balanced insight.

Originally Posted by Bold View Post
I'm definitely trying to adjust to the idea of poly. I've already changed a bit, allowing flirting with others (though the thought of being present during it is still very uncomfortable) and cuddling with friends. I just don't want to/need to hear about it, I guess.
If this happens because Erato is naturally a flirt and affectionate, then no, no reason to be alarmed and it is probably best to chalk it up to the wonderful woman she is, but, if she is otherwise not, then I would be very interested in what is going on for her.

Dangerous territory if it is with a potential love interest. You could save yourself a world of negative emotions if you open your eyes and look around to see what is going on and embrace it. It might be better to be involved right from the beginning of her budding interests, rather than come along later and catch up. That is if you even decide to be okay with her poly nature.

Originally Posted by Bold View Post
I did like the idea of a shared girlfriend. It still fits with my unique idea of mono - I am still included in every aspect of my girlfriend's love life, and a focus, even if it's spread around two people. With another lover I'm isolated from them and excluded on a deeper level. It doesn't fit as well, or at all. Well, I still need to get used to even the idea of a shared girlfriend.....
I find this contradictory to what Erato was saying you thought you could handle. And now you also have said it. You have no idea how much time and energy a shared girlfriend would take up, and your complaint is that Erato would have less time for you...

Another woman in the mix is not going to sit like one of those "real live dolls" that one can buy over the internet. Waiting for the next time you and Erato decide to engage in her. It just doesn't work like that. You can be rest assured my friend that she would want alone time with Erato, alone time with you, have her own goals/agenda's, quirks, triggers..... on and on and on... that would mean you and Erato would have less time together.

Erato is asking to have the chance to spend alone time with someone other than you, while having you in her life also to spend alone time with. Another woman in both your lives would require that also. How is it different what she is asking for than what you are willing to accept? you would probably get to know this person, or at least should and who knows might even cultivate a really good friendship with them based on loving the same woman... among other things.

Besides, wanting to have two girlfriends is poly... how do you justify that? Finding a unicorn that will stick it out for the long haul is also next to impossible to find, just so you know.
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