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Old 07-12-2010, 07:28 PM
SayYes SayYes is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 45

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
He has every right to decide what he does. He has no right to decide what anybody else does. From what you've described, he's indicated that the only way to be involved with him is if everybody does what he decides.
This pretty well sums it up for me. Before he was finally accepting of poly, my husband used to have a "why should I be the one to compromise and you don't have to compromise at all?" mindset. But he was asking me to compromise who I *am* by asking me to be monogamous. I wasn't asking him to change who he is. I was only asking him to accept me for who I am. I think those are two very different things.

I've said this before, but at some point it becomes a question not of whether you're willing to make a sacrifice for the relationship, but of whether you're able to make that sacrifice and still be healthy and fulfilled. I love my husband, I love our family, and I always tried to think that it was worth sacrificing my desire to be with other people because what we had was so great. But the truth was that I wasn't able to be truly happy with those terms, and so eventually what we had wasn't so great. The resentment I felt from repressing who I am was eating away at me and at us, and there's no doubt in my mind that we would have ended up divorced eventually if we had stayed monogamous. My willingness had nothing to do with it; I could weigh pros and cons as much as I wanted and tell myself that my need to be with other men was no big deal in comparison to keeping my family together, and yet reasoning it out that way couldn't change the fact that I was miserable. It sounds like you might be, like me, someone who is simply unable to ultimately be happy, healthy, and fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. And if that's the case, no amount of reasoning it out or trying to see the other side seems likely to make it any better for you.
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