I am reminded of when I first got into poly when reading your post. I had been married to a woman for about five years at that time and met my now husband when we decided to be non-monogamous. She tried her darnedest to now care, to join in, to hide it from our lesbian community. I tried to deny I loved him, tried to frame it in terms of fun and sex, told none of my lesbian friends... In the end we all just had to be what we were and go on the path that was before us.
When we decided to just leave it alone and slowly allow it to become what it was to become, it turned out that we broke up because she wanted to travel and I wanted kids. She now has traveled extensively and is still not settled.. still moving around. She is still a love of mine and very much a apart of my life, it just was meant to be like that. We would of gotten there, but we could of saved ourselves pain and hardship if we had started by just being ourselves and expressing whatever came up for us. Stopped denying what was happening for us.
I really do believe that such matters need to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. That would be you. I think that she needs to slow things down to a mere trickle in order to maintain some kind of balance for your sake. You are needing time to figure out what your needs are and where you fit. How your community will react. How to create a team approach to this in the face of your community, because I can tell you, it's no picnic when just as you need support, lesbian friends drop like flies in disgust and through lack of empathy and understanding or accepting.
No doubt she is experiencing some gleeful girlish emotions (NRE) in this that she will need to keep in check if she is going to be able to consider your needs. That will be hard, but in the long run it will create a good foundation and encourage you to believe that she loves you still and isn't going anywhere.
Sure this stuff hurts, but it doesn't have to crush you. You can come out of it emotionally damaged and unhealthy if you allow progression that is making you feel you should sleep in the spare room and cut yourself off from caring. That is never good and you won't learn how to function that way, just how to deny yourself your needs.
keep at it. It will be a long haul, but it doesn't last forever. One way or another you will get to the bottom of what is going on for all of you and it will all work out as it should.
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