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Old 07-11-2010, 04:01 PM
newbie newbie is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10
Default Sad and confused

Things aren't quite so calm and happy today. Two things are kicking around in my head right now. The first is that A and I discussed polyamory for the first time. I was surprised and happy to hear that he had heard of the term--but then I was disheartened to discover that he doesn't think that term applies to our situation (this is a relatively easy fix, though--he hasn't researched the idea much, and there's a lot of info in this forum that can help with that discussion). But I was even more disheartened to hear that his wife apparently doesn't like that label. I know that labels don't really matter, but I was so thrown that I haven't tried to discuss this any further yet. I thought I had finally found a way to understand our relationship and the overall situation. But now I feel like I'm back at square one, where I don't know the rules, and I don't know what to expect. If what we're doing doesn't fit within the definition of a polyamorous relationship, then what is it?? I know this is something I need to discuss further with him; no one here can answer this for me right now. I just feel a little shocked and defeated right now and needed to vent...

The other thing is meeting his wife. The good news is that when I brought this up with A, he told me that they had discussed this, his wife wanted to meet me, and they are just waiting for me to feel comfortable enough. That was a huge relief. But in the process of chatting about that, he casually mentioned that his wife thinks I should be comfortable enough at this point to meet up with him at their house. Maybe this makes me weird, but I have never been inside his house. I live alone, and in the beginning of our relationship, it just made sense for him to come over. Once things began to get serious, and I had to adjust to the idea of actually being in love and maintaining a relationship with a married man, and deal with all of the jealousy and insecurity that arose as a result, the idea of being with him in their house and sleeping in their bed felt like it was just more than I could handle on top of everything else. Am I alone in feeling this way?? I know I'll eventually need to get over that, if we're going to try to have a long-term relationship, and I really have made progress in that direction. But isn't it ok for me to adjust slowly and not push things? Or am I being paranoid and weak? I know A wasn't trying to push me--he was just trying to show me that his wife really is accepting of our relationship. But it still hurt. I feel like I'm trying to so hard to be open and adjust to this new way of approaching things. I feel like sometimes they forget that, even though I entered this relationship with eyes wide open, and we've all have had to make adjustments, our circumstances are very different. I didn't come from the same starting point as they did--one of having already embraced the idea of having multiple relationships. Plus at the end of every day, they have each other to go home to. I don't have that. And while I know I can talk to A about anything, when it's our relationship that is causing me pain, there's only so much I'm able and willing to discuss with him. A lot of the time, I have to process things alone. And I'm fine with that. But in light of that, it hurts when I feel like I'm expected to be further along than I am. Even though I know that's not what he was trying to say...

Anyway, right now I'm just sad and confused.
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