I just had, what I thought, was a discovery about myself that in order to feel appreciated and secure in a relationship, I like to feel needed...not in a dependent sort of way, but in an appreciative sort of way. Not in a controlling "you do this" way, but in a "you're needed in my life because you're special" sort of way. Maybe "needed" is the wrong word. But I can't think of any other word that might fit.
So I then started to think of things I need out of a relationship. Not necessarily my current one, but any one. Several things came to mind: companionship, someone to talk with and bounce ideas off of, someone to go places with, someone to go to for help, someone to kiss and hopefully make love with...those were a few things I came up with that I think I need.
So I called my bf and asked him if he would please make a list of things he needs in a relationship so that we can learn more about each other and maybe I can know what it is that he would like out of our relationship and vice versa. I thought it would open the door to clarified communication since we seem to be lacking in that department at the moment.
He told me he doesn't need anything from me. Now, I initially interpret this as meaning "I don't need you, you're not important".
But as he begins to explain himself: He feels he doesn't need anything except to breath, food, and water. That everything beyond survival is "extra". He says he doesn't need me to be anything or do anything other than be me.
Now excuse me as I try to wrap my brain around this concept....it sounds lovely and like the sweetest thing I have ever heard. I am humbled by this statement of love. But it also made my desire to define what makes a good relationship seem sort of, well, lame.
Now I'm not sure of what it means to "have your needs met." Now I can't even think of any reasonable thing to "need" from a relationship. I guess I have "wants" and "prefers" but when it comes to just loving someone.... I don't know ....does it even make sense to need anything from someone?
But then I think in practical terms. I guess a woman might "need" her partner to be a good father. But is that a defining part of their relationship? I guess a woman and man can have a loving relationship together and he can be a total scalawag when it comes to being a responsible parent.
But, no - that's not right either.
Forgive me, but am I missing something about not
"needing" another human being to behave in a certain way or do certain things in order for you to love them? I can't figure it out.