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Old 07-09-2010, 09:35 PM
SayYes SayYes is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 45

I can't respond to this from the point of view of a mono partner, but I am in a similar position to A; I'm married and also have a boyfriend. My boyfriend isn't mono, but so far he only dated someone else for about a month of the time we've been together, so my experience has essentially been that of being his only partner. Obviously I can't speak for A, but I can say that in my situation, I don't want my boyfriend to ever feel like he comes second or that our relationship doesn't have equal consideration in my life. My husband and I have a daughter, and so in some ways the family has to come first. But I don't think of the two relationships in a hierarchical way, and it sounds like that's the same way A feels about you. I think you should enjoy your relationship and not put too much weight on the "what ifs" for the future. Like others have said, it's totally possible that you *can* end up eventually being included in A's family and his life the same way a monogamous partner would be. There was a period of time when I kind of struggled with guilt over not ever being able to offer my boyfriend the possibility of a "traditional" future; even though he would never want a marriage regardless, it was strange getting used to the idea that we were together but without a possibility of even moving in together eventually, progressing along those typical mono lines. But now I realize that there's no reason we can't have a future, it's just a future that looks different than what we're used to thinking about. Now, we talk about the possibility of all living together someday, and my boyfriend is definitely increasingly becoming part of my family. I think as long as you love each other, and you can be comfortable with his situation with his wife, there's no reason to think that the possibilities for your future are severely limited.

Originally Posted by newbie View Post
Now that Iím thinking about it, my fears/concerns about Aís relationship with his wife stem from my friendsí judgments about this relationship. My best friend is trying to be supportive but canít understand how any of this is ok. At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address. All that really mattered to me was that I love A and love being in a relationship with him. But my friend said that my attitude made her sad and, without actually saying it, made me feel like Iím selfish and have the capacity to be a homewrecker.
I have no real advice in regard to this, but just wanted to say that I completely sympathize. My boyfriend has friends who think that it's absolutely unethical of him to be with me, and many of my friends try to be supportive but just can't understand. For me, one of the most difficult things about this journey into poly has been the loss of a support system; friends I'm used to turning to about everything are no longer able to understand my life at all. It can be lonely sometimes.
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