So I guess this is what happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts on little sleep.
My sister in law is my hero. Woke her up at 8:30, she followed me down to drop off my car and bring me back, sat here at the house and talked for a few hours while my niece played (15 mos and so smart!!! And the way her teeth are coming in she looks like a little vampire and I think it is the most adorable thing ever. That child has my heart in a way no other child has. She is a treasure). When they left for nap time, I thought, alot. And now that the car is done I am waiting for her to come back and get me and run me down to pick it back up. So while I wait...
Almost through myself into a another panic attack. It seems I can only have one thing going good in my life at a time. Everytime I get one thing going another falls apart. Karma and I are at an amazing point in our relationship. The communication, the heart to hearts, I'm feeling so loved and comforted.
But financialy things are a wreck. We can't find work, I'm on probation at school and he's kicked out of getting financial aid unless we pay for 6 credits out of pocket. With my cut in hours that I'm allowed to take we'll be lucky to pay living expenses for a month. (we pay for them with school loans/grants). And with him not in school for 6 months, we'll have to start paying back his loans in Nov. I'm taking all online classes this semster so I can work full time, hopefully my back can take it. I've considered moving back to Ohio for a few months in order to try to find work, but Karma and I have never spent more then a few days apart in our entire 8yrs together. I don't want to leave him, I don't think I could handle it. Plus we are just getting back to good, I can't leave now. So what to do? MY parents are helping us this summer, and my mom has had to go get a second job and my dad pushed back retirement by 3 yrs in order to pay our bills.
I feel like the most worthless almost 30yr old there is. I just feel like shit!! They have done SOOOOOO much for us and I repay them by asking for more help. Great kid I am. Karmas mom is worthless and his dad while amazing just came into our lives 5 yrs ago. So hows that work, umm I know we lived with you for a yr when we moved here, but you think you could help us pay some bills while get our lives straight?
I'm just so affraid of my dad having another heart attack and it being my fault. My mom working herself to death and again my fault. I moved to go to college and better my life and instead it's made a mess of everything.
And no I don't just sit here and feel sorry for myself, I send out resume after resume, fill out application after application, I'm either over qualified or can't work the hrs they need, or the positions been filled or on and on and on.
I'm just really feeling overwhelmed. I'm considering going back on my anti anxiety meds. I've done really well with EVERYTHING thrown my way the last 3 mos and now it's just getting to be too much.
My sis in law says it'll all work out. Something will happen and we'll get through the rest. Well what the hell do I do in the mean time? I'm almost ready to kiss the degree goodbye and move back to ohio, move in with my parents, pay off my debt and go back to being a fast food manager. At least if I was here I could watch my niece and my brother and sis in law wouldn't be scrambling for a sitter.
I have big dreams and they all seem so far away and unreachable. Right now I'm just trying to find a way to keep from living in a cardboard box.