Originally Posted by immaterial
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.
You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.
Well, I feel, to be honest, a little crazy.
First of all, sex feels all wierd and dirty to me right now. Even the most romantic "love making" type experiences feel like sex on an alley wall with a prostitute. I feel the physical desire for sex but at the same time it repulses me.
It is very hard not to feel emasculated("a Real Man would have just gone in with a woohoo and gotten laid, dude") but I'm mostly managing. I think that part of this is because of the extreme anger that I'm feeling right now. I wish that I wasn't so angry. I not only can't hold her in compassion but I can't even hold her in indifference right now. I just want to lash out at someone, anyone. I have to keep reminding myself that the people I see on a day to day basis, my coworkers, my SO, her OSO, friends, even the people here, had no part in what happened and so they are not at all deserving of my anger.
Since it happened I can't help but feel like it was my fault somehow. Maybe I should have been more clear that not avoiding her didn't mean I wanted to have sex with her. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for another girlfriend, maybe I shouldn't be with the girlfriend I have, maybe I should just push away all of this damned desire for sex and cuddling and affection.
I sometimes think(much like I thought at the moment) that it would have been so much easier just to let it happen.
I feel like I'm being a drama whore by even thinking about this, much less talking about it. I feel like I should be over this, like it shouldn't be a big deal. I *won*. I got out of the tent. My penis did not go into her vagina. But I feel like I lost in a big way.
I'm going to a monthly support group this Sunday although, to be honest, it terrifies me. I'm scared that people are going to not get it, make snide remarks, or treat me poorly. Usually that would be no big deal. Now it is.