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Old 07-09-2010, 03:40 AM
newbie newbie is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10

Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
Poly advice aside, it seems to me that it's your general attitude about yourself that may be the most hindering factor in your V. Relationships of any sort can really bring out our own insecurities, and this one sounds like it's done a number on you. That's not a bad thing! Take some time to explore your own feelings and motivations. Why do you feel the way you do? Why do you feel like you need to apologize for asking well-thought out questions? Is this lack of confidence usual for you, or is it related only to feeling marginalized in your relationship? And how much of that marginalization is self-imposed?
Good questions! Thanks for raising these points. I do have insecurity issues, but they stem from a lot of thingsómost recently from being in (and leaving) an unhealthy marriage. My relationship with A has actually done wonders for a lot of those insecurities. So youíre rightópretty much all of the marginalization that I feel is either self-imposed or the product of our emotions advancing at faster pace than our discussions about the nature and parameters of our relationship.

Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
Worrying about his relationship with his wife is his job, not yours. Sure, you should take it into consideration, as it's a very large part of his life, but if you spend more time focused on that than about your own relationship with him, then what's the point?
Thank you for laying this out for me so clearly. I think that is what A has been trying to convey to me, but he didnít want to be as direct about it. Youíre right. Thatís his job, not mine. Now that Iím thinking about it, my fears/concerns about Aís relationship with his wife stem from my friendsí judgments about this relationship. My best friend is trying to be supportive but canít understand how any of this is ok. At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address. All that really mattered to me was that I love A and love being in a relationship with him. But my friend said that my attitude made her sad and, without actually saying it, made me feel like Iím selfish and have the capacity to be a homewrecker. The thought of being that person horrifies me. And thatís why Iím now constantly worried about my effect on their relationship. But again, now that Iím thinking about it, I suppose thatís kind of ridiculous. I donít have the ability to wreck Aís marriageóhe loves his wife and is deeply committed to their relationship, and theyíre very open and communicative with each other.

Well, realizing all of these things and actually internalizing them are very different things. Weíll see how this goesÖ

Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
I, for one am curious to hear what his wife says about meeting you.
From what Iíve been reading, it sounds like thereís general consensus that itís definitely a good idea for the partner and SO in a V to meet each other. But Iím nervous about bringing it up; Iím worried that it will come across as me trying to somehow insert myself into their relationship. Any advice as to how to approach this? Or could things be fine if we just donít meet?
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