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Old 07-08-2010, 09:58 PM
newbie newbie is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10

Thanks for the advice!

He certainly does not treat me as a secondary in the sense that my needs are considered lesser. In fact, heís constantly telling me that his wife and I are of equal importance to him, that I need to tell him if I need something more or different, and that itís perfectly fine if I say, for example, that some arrangement that fits their schedule isnít ideal for me. But youíre rightóthatís how I feel about myself. I feel like I should be or have to be in the background, because theyíre married, and Iím the outsider. Do I want it to be this way? I donít know. I guess I need to think about that. I theoretically really like the idea of becoming part of a family. But Iím a little terrified of being an intruder, third wheel, etc., and I donít know if I could ever stop feeling worried or insecure or guilty. The other big hang-up is that Iíve actually never met his wife. Iím open to the idea, but a bit wary, out of fear that my jealousy will flare up again. And while she knows quite a bit about me, and it sounds like we actually would get along really well, I have no idea if she has any interest in meeting me.

And yeah, I know that looking for a primary would make me poly. And who knows, maybe one day I will discover that I am poly! I'm definitely open to the idea in theory, because I don't want to give up my relationship with A. I guess Iíll just have to wait and seeÖ

If someone who is a secondary or some other third party to a committed couple and doesn't mind sharing, how does this work for you? Do you feel any sort of void or absence from not having a primary relationship? I canít tell if the ďneedĒ I feel for that kind of relationship is societal conditioning that will fade the longer Iím in this relationship or an actual need that I shouldnít ignore.

Originally Posted by sage View Post
Don't worry so much about your effect on your SO and his wife, it sounds like they have a good handle on things and your rights and feelings are important and valid. You have enough to deal with, let the guilt go.
Thanks for the reply! I did not see that when I was writing my last post. I don't mean to pry, so please feel free to ignore this. But I'm very curious as to how you felt about your partner starting a relationship with his SO. I'm hoping it will help me stop feeling guilty. Although A's wife also has another relationship, she had a pretty hard time adjusting to the fact that A and I had fallen in love, and I'm constantly worried that I'm somehow hurting her or making her feel unhappy in some way.

Sorry for the numerous posts! I've been poking around the forum and found several threads that address the questions I posed. So please feel free to disregard (though if anyone does have additional thoughts, I'd love to hear them).

Last edited by redpepper; 07-09-2010 at 07:59 AM.
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