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Old 07-08-2010, 08:42 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,329

Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
This is a very interesting thread. I wish there were more responses.
Me too! Thank you for responding.

I really think it is a very odd topic. Where does sex begin? I've known folks who actually believe sucking cock is not sex. Anal penetration by a penis is not sex. Handjobs are not sex. Giving oneself a handjob is not sex. Etc.
Maybe it goes back to Bill Clinton and all the abstinence sex ed classes?

Anything but full intercourse w your partner is not sex? and we'll then take advantage of that loophole?

Then there are those who seem to think these behaviors are sex, but they don't constitute a breaking of commitment.

I used to go to erotic massage places and get handjobs. I did this when I was in "committed monogamous relationships." I think part of my rationale was that it wasn't sex. How convenient!
There's that loophole.
Really, it doesn't matter what label I put on a behavior. It's about open, honest, ethical communication.

Lots of trouble with one of my sig others started when she "caught" me masturbating. I thought she had left the house and I was getting off and she heard me. (I can be kind of loud). For her, it was real betrayal. For me, it was a source of deep resentment, a feeling I had no privacy in my own home. These sorts of collisions are the stuff of relationship catastrophe. She gets to feel betrayed by my autoerotic sex life and I get to feel pissed off at her for violating my privacy. Ugh.
Oh man. I have to say, my ex-h and I had somewhat similar issues. Masturbation is shameful and shouldnt be necessary when youre in a relationship?

Bullshit, I say. Sometimes one just wants self pleasure and not the whole song and dance w a partner. No matter how good the sex is with them.

If I look at porn and get turned on, is that betrayal?
Not in my book!

If I fuck someone else but think about you the entire time, dear, is that commitment? :-)

Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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