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Old 07-08-2010, 05:19 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Ariakas

That's the hard thing with Fibro. I have heard of so many people ignoring a serious condition (currently there is research being done on chest pain) like a heart attack because they think it is fibro pain. It's really hard to tell since has so many symptoms. Thankfuly being a previous dancer, I have the ability to tell the difference between good muscle pain and fibro pain. I long to feel the good muscle pain, it reminds me of days when I danced and would wake up after an intense rehersal and feel every muscle.

The positive is because of the nature of fibro, we can build muscle much faster than others. I only use weights once or twice a week but within a month I have definition in my biceps and calves.I didn't have biceps even when I was dancing

I tend to dwell to much though when I'm in a support group. I hit a nasty depression about a yr ago maybe a yr and half and wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't clean the house wouldn't do anything. Every little ache was something I needed to stay in bed over. I'm not sure of the nature of the psychological connection, but it all started when I joined the support board.

There's no doubt that there are days I can't get out of bed. But I'm back to fighting it. I've taken to remind myself that Yes I do have fibro, but it doesn't have me. I refuse to let anything dictate what I can and cannot do. It's hard to find the happy medium, but I try.

When we got out I find my place to sit and grow roots, usualy with a friend that was injured in Iraq, and we let people come to us. It still takes a lot out of me to just go out, but I make adaptatons When it's not 100+ degrees out I go camping with Karma and the foam weapons fighting group he belongs to. I love to camp but have had to adapt it as I've gotten worse. Can't got without an air mattress, a fan, 20 blankets, narcotics, ear plugs, a chair and a whole list of other amenities. Not quite as care free as I used to be, butI make it happen because I want to be in nature and enjoy my friends.

In a way I'm lucky b/c I've had this since I was 14 or so. 13 yrs is a long time to learn to live with it and learn to adjust. I've had yrs of hardly any pain and yrs where my parents almost went to jail b/c I missed so much school and my Dr's had to get involved.

It makes finding a partner a huge ordeal. I was in an almost remission when I met Karma, so he didn't truly know what he was getting into. I could try and prepare him all I wanted, doesn't mean he really understood how hard it would be. I also have OCD and my house is usualy spotless, now our tiny one bedroom apartment is almost too much for me to keep up with. Karma has been amazing, with a few hiccups, but he's still here and we're still figuring it out together. But he knows me. In the bedroom he knows where my triggers are and avoids them almost instinctivly. He knows when he can be rough (well my version of rough anyway) and when he has to be gentle. Add in having cervical cancer 3 yrs ago and endometriosis, I have ton of things to consider when choosing a partner. Will they be gentle enough? Can they get enjoyment from things being as gentle as they have to be? Will they be understanding that I can't handle certain positions? Do they get how easily I can be over stimulated and then be worthless for hours later?

I almost envy Karmas ability to go off and have casual sex and only have my emotions to worry about. I have to be picky. I have to find someone who gets it. It's like a job interview has to occur in order to have sex. That's a lot of why my wife and I have no had sex. We makeout, we are emotionaly connected in a way that surprised me, but she knows she'll forget to be gentle and hurt me so we never let go any further. I respect her for that, even if it does disapoint.

This is all honestly how we started talking about opening up the marriage in the first place. I wanted Karma to enjoy rougher sex that I couldn't give him. I had hopes to find our unicorn, who would get what we both needed, and fit us perfectly. That has obviously not happened and things have obviously gone way beyond what I originaly planned, but such is life I guess.

Anyway, I just hope you know that Karma and I totaly get it and if you ever need someone who understands the whole caretaker aspect of things, he's a good one to talk to.
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