Thread: Dory's Blog
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:54 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Dory View Post
I have a very difficult weekend ahead. They are spending another time together.
Have you spent time with her? Has she come to visit? has he given you the space to get to know her and develop you own thoughts on her? Have she reached out to you? Have you reached out to her? These are ways to make it easier... this is what has been proven to work, 9 times out of 10. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it could be the start of something incredible.

Originally Posted by Dory View Post
They have taken my feelings into account and come to a compromise, in that they slept together but with pyjamas on and no sex.
No one should have to compromise. They are doing it because they are concerned for you, but also want to be together.... it is a baby step to a future where they will be sleeping with pj's off. That is all, compromise is a nasty word for "I am not getting my needs met." If one isn't getting their needs met then the work isn't done and it is all in a state of fluidity and still moving.... you are also working towards getting your needs met... that is part of it... keep at it. But don't ever settle for a compromise... if you are settling, keep moving at a pace that feels comfortable. keep thinking up your boundaries and make goals.

Originally Posted by Dory View Post
I find the enthusiasm and pressure to accept is exhausting. What will I accept in terms of frequency of visits? Why don’t I want them to have sex? It should be natural for him to talk about what they have done and how she feels etc. I know it is what this site says is what should happen, but it hurts so much to even think about the relationship being there, let alone having to negotiate decisions.......It’s easy when he seems to have everything to gain and I can only see what I am losing. He tries to reassure me, but he has been my partner, best friend and soul mate for so long and now he will be spending time with her and I am left alone.
I feel for you... my heart aches to think of what you are going through, but it will get easier and you are on the right path. Try and find the positives. What can you be doing for you to turn yourself into a better person through all of this. I know that sounds like a bullshit question, but if you can manage to find ways to be independent and keep your own life moving forward for the better you will be better for it, he will be better for it, your kids will be better for it and so will your relationships with not only your husband, but yourself. You are number one... it's been a long time, but remember when it was just you? Be that person again while also being with the two of them... (as you know, it is really "the two of them" she is now a part of your relationship with him... even if she is a white elephant in the room at the moment).

Originally Posted by Dory View Post
Why is that emptiness called jealousy? Why is that something I need to deal with because it is wrong?
Jealousy is not wrong! It feels weird because we are not used to feeling it. It is the bodies reminder that it needs something both mentally and physically and it isn't getting it... keep working at getting what you need. Look beyond what you think it is to basics... you may need company, you may need relaxation, you may need closeness... if you aren't getting that, then find it. Your husband will not always be available, but you can find it regardless. Get to the bottom of it because it is there and it can be satisfied. Just for you. That empty feeling is a clue to what is going on. Not wrong or bad, a clue. change the language in your head and perhaps you will look beyond the emotions.

Originally Posted by Dory View Post
I am not sure if this lifestyle choice is one that I want. I need to find out if it is what I want, rather than something I am prepared to put up with.
You may decide that your needs will never be met and that you don't want this so much that you don't want him anymore to be your romantic and loving partner. That is sad, but a reality in making yourself happy again. Only you know that and whatever your answer is at the end of the day, will be the right one for you. Keep searching, processing and working at it.

Originally Posted by Dory View Post
So that I can answer this I am having to tell him that he can come to me when he wants, and only when he wants, not when he feels he has to. I am having to tell him that his relationship with her can be expressed as they wish. I have to let them be free, even though it is not what I want. I have to know that he really does want me for who I am. I hate the recent change of personality that this has caused in me. I was referred to as being ‘one of life’s rocks’, I have been a jibbering wreck. I need to feel that he does love me as he says. If he does, how can he not care about how I feel and what this is doing to me?

It doesn’t matter what I do or how many people I am with, because this weekend I am totally alone.
you are doing awesome... so brave. Keep at it. You are never alone. There is always us to read about and talk to and you have some catching up to do with yourself... try to see it as yay! you time... start planning... you could have a really cathartic experience if you decide to.
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