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Old 07-06-2010, 09:46 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168

Hm, this thread got weird. I'm not sure why; lots of people post here with what sound to me like much more... challenging situations than this.

Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
L believes that T has an agenda, and is "dishonourable" for "messing with another man's lady". T pointed out (half joking) that since he knew me first and has never stopped loving me, it is in fact L that is the interloper

I feel no remorse or guilt at all, but I do feel the pain that L is experiencing, and I hate that I am causing him pain.
Well, T does have an agenda -- a romantic relationship with you.

I don't see how honour has anything to do with it, and I don't know why you would feel remorseful or guilty. I'd go so far as to say that you're not really "causing L pain". He's experiencing jealousy as a response to the situation that the three of you find yourselves in, but it isn't as if your falling in love with an old flame was a plot to make him feel bad, or that you have some sort of absolute control over his emotions.

Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
L either can't or won't talk about it. It's become the elephant in the room.

How can I negotiate this, how can I make it easier for L?
I assume that L is acting the way he is because he feels that his relationship with you is threatened and he wants the situation to go away. I think that the key insight here for L is that his behaviour right now is damaging your relationship in a way that's worse than the consequences of your being with T would (likely) be. You have this important thing in your life that's confusing and exciting, and your husband should be your best ally in helping you figure out what's going to work well for all of you. Instead he's doing things that create distance (and likely resentment).

There are a lot of poly- resources out there on coping with jealousy, but you can't do it for him. But it may help inspire him to do the work if the goal is a better relationship with you, as opposed to the goal being his being okay with your relationhip with T.
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