Distraught - I might be able to help in some way, if nothing else than to tell you I have a similar quandary myself. I have other posts on here explaining more, but basically I have been momogamous but involved with a man for over a year who told me he was poly from the start, but TRIED to be mono with me for several months, could not, and now it is my turn to try his way.
First off, I am asking myself: What is love? What does it mean to be in love? What am I getting out of this relationship that it means so much? What exactly is wrong with my bf being with other women? What exactly am I afraid of and is that fear based on reality or fantasy?
Here are some answers I have pondered: Love is a reciprocal relationship between people where all parties get their needs met in regard to support, companionship, positive regard, attention.
I am still working on what it means to be in love...there are a myriad answers to this, same as there are many answers to the above question as well.
As to what is wrong with my man seeing other women....I come up short-handed on good answers there. My bf has been honest with me about who he is seeing and when. He has been respectful (mostly, although we have had many miscommunications too) of my feelings.
My one argument was STD's and that was resolved by his promise to be safe and communicate with his lovers before sexual encounters (that hasn't even come up yet though). But that doesn't make me entirely comfortable with the idea of him sleeping with other women, it helps though.
Other than that, I know that he loves me the same amount regardless of who he spends time with. But it is another thing entirely for me to live that knowledge, put it into practice, believe it.
We can't have someone's attention all the time. It seems to me like the most difficult hurdle you have already been dealing with: sharing him with his wife. If you can come to terms with the fact that he sleeps with you both that's a major accomplishment.
I understand your fear. It's about losing control. It's about uncertainty. All valid fears. But you can work through them if it's important enough. I have a long road ahead myself. But I am committed to exploring my own internal fears and insecurities. I hope things work out for you and please keep us posted.
Oh and as far as worrying what other people think - I started by edging around the subject with people I felt might understand and quickly realized that my friends and family were more understanding than I thought they would be. Some people, however, like my mother would not understand. I did mention to her my bf's decision and she was disgusted so I avoid conversations with her about it.
Last edited by Nyx; 07-30-2009 at 12:22 AM.