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Old 07-05-2010, 03:31 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by leslie View Post
Your strong response is interesting. I hope you say more. I am not sure what is causing your reaction. I know I feel uneasy about this arrangement, but I keep thinking that somehow I will be able to get used to this.
Sorry about that. Many folks arrive on our boards with painful stories to tell and I get so sad on reading them. Some set me off, which is what yours did. I can only take so much in the way of descriptions of people treating other people horribly, and I hit my limits when reading your post.

Deciding to pursue a poly approach to relationships isn't something that most folks can just jump into, particularly if it's something that comes up because a partner wants to try it out. It takes a bit of preparation and quite a bit of communication to hash out shared expectations--and some time simply to adjust to the idea. It sounds like you weren't given that.

Then, him disappearing for a weekend certainly isn't easing into things and allowing you to try to wrap your head and heart around it. An evening out for a first date is reasonable when one's partner is having to work hard to adjust.

And then he dropped out of communication, too?

Did he ever stop and consider you in all of this, other than in passing? It doesn't sound like it. From here, it appears he showed absolutely no respect for you and your feelings and just went hog wild trying to service his own desires without any serious regard for you in the process.

In a poly arrangement, you still get everything you need from a relationship in terms of love, time, attention, and so forth. Even if you don't take an additional partner or two, the benefits for you are a healthy, happy relationship and a loving partner whose life is overflowing with love and happiness--which makes him a better partner for everybody with whom he is involved.

It all rests on taking care of everybody and every relationship involved, however. It isn't served by hiim simply scheduling a long weekend with a new lover and leaving you to cope as best you can without much preparation and loving support.
When speaking of various forms of ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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