well, we had it out today. we sorted everything out and the magic words passed his lips "ok, so everything related to cue, L and my ex is sorted out. the rest is just you and me."
perfect! so we get a game plan to get back to where we need to be and we're both on board. and as an afterthought, i say "so to be clear, my focus will be on you and getting us back to where we need to be, but i am not ending my relationship with cue completely."
"HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL!?? (um, that phrase is a pet peeve of mine) he's the one that caused all the problems! how are we supposed to go back to that??!"
wow...i was thinking like maybe 1 date a week with cue starting sometime this month...not TOTAL IMMEDIATE IMMERSION! but i tried all kinds of different scenarios and they all ended with me being selfish and crazy...it essentially came down to the ultimatum again and again and again. and honestly, i can't take anymore.
cue and L have both been exceedingly patient...they've listened to all my belly-aching while encouraging me to stay calm and open...and more importantly, without any judgement of perm. the counselor helped me work through my concerns about what my parents think and although i love the house, it is not worth being miserable and manipulated.
so...uh...that's where we're at. i think it's time to fold.
thanks again to everyone for the love and support. it was good that i found this forum when i did.