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Old 07-03-2010, 01:33 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Are you considering a mono lifestyle because of this woman your husband has been seeing? It sounds as if he has the potential of a mono relationship elsewhere and that is why you are considering the change.
No, sorry! He's not that interested in her. He admits that he would be were it not for me, but he is very much of the "either/or" mindset and if it is one of us, it is me, no question. I think *she* would be happy in many ways for me to disappear, b/c she would like to pursue a mono relationship with him. Not gonna happen.

A poly trying to be mono is a very difficult thing. Here is a possible (probable) outcome of that. His potential goes away, you cut contact with your secondaries. You make each other miserable trying to be what you're not and either split or you go back to being poly with him a mono husband.
<sigh> Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. But forcing being poly (because even though it is *I* who is poly, it still affects him of course) on him doesn't feel right either. I've thought more than once that life would be a lot simpler if I hadn't met my bf, but then I remember that I love him too!

You say you adore each other. If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work. I hate saying if I were you but I'm going to anyway...If I were you I would stick to who you are while you both have alternate supports and options. Love him enough to let him go then if he comes back to you and is prepared to be the mono to your poly he will be doing it of his own free will because of his depth of love.
I have not heard of these blogs but will look them up. I'm not considering letting him go, he means too much to me and we have a family together (I mean ultimately this is a possibility, it always is, but it is not one on the forefront. We have a really strong foundation, thankfully).

I wish you all could know us, and know how much he has tried to think outside of his box through all of this. Like I keep telling people, you don't lose a man like him, you don't lose a relationship like ours. He is willing to work, as am I. No one is waving any white flags. In fact, he's been miserable all day, because he thinks he messed things up for my other partner(s) and I. Can you see why I don't feel this is hopeless? He clearly has empathy for how the other guys and I feel...

He is understandably resistant to going to couple's counseling, after the last one painted me out to be a bully and him a wuss. She actually asked me "if A is so great, then why do you need R?" I requested that at a minimum, she read a wikipedia page on poly for crying out loud. I found one who is poly-friendly, but of course she doesn't take our insurance <sigh>.

Thanks for your questions and thoughts!

If I may ask for clarification, it has seemed to me from a few other threads that the consensus is that the poly person has to defer to the mono one. I'm over-simplifying, but I know I've seen it written several times that the poly person should move slow, so as to ease things for the mono one. So, I'm wondering how this all fits. I hope that made sense, my kids are providing distractions.
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