Thread: i need help
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Old 07-02-2010, 08:20 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Welcome, you have come to a very good place, but you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride. I don't think there is anyway around that and polyamory is not something you get to grips with right away. It takes months if not years.

By what you have described I don't think your wife has handled it very well. If I'm reading your post correctly it sounds like she has just taken off to be with this guy and from a distance told you she wants to have him in her life and that she is sleeping with him? Polyamory is about loving more than one person, I don't think she has treated you in a very loving manner and you have a right to some anger.

I am mono and my partner is poly. We started really having some success in working through this dynamic when I started negotiating with him about what is acceptable to me at any given time. His secondary lives a plane flight away too and he would go and stay with her for a four or five days. It was too much. Like you I would be driven mad thinking of them in each others arms. The fact that he was not here made me continually aware that he was there with her and it was painful. As a result he is going to start with spending just one night with her at a time. When I feel better about it they can look at increasing it.

Polyamory only works if all parties are prepared to work together with great love and awareness. There are some links floating around to some really good articles on jealousy that really helped me. If anyone knows what I'm talking about it might be good to put them in a sticky. Even if you weren't a jealous person before the chances are you will be now.

Take care of yourself.

Smiles

Sage
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