Thanks for your post, Sorcha. The disease of alcoholism/addiction ravages many lives in different ways. The magic of it: it also leads people to their higher selves, to an awakening into undreamed of possibilities.
I think many of my relationship decisions were based on the idea that the relationship would complete me or make me well. These are not essentially different. Wellness is wholeness, for me. I didn't think of wholeness and union with God as wellness or sanity until a few years ago. Anyway, I do feel that if we are looking externally for wholeness we are still in process and will still fall short and be hurt along the way. There isn't anything wrong with this, as it is precisely the way we move toward the universe's will for us, which is to be happy, joyous and free. Progress, not perfection.
But if other people are my higher power I am bound to be hurt. Their shortcomings will inevitably disappoint me. It is impossible for me to really see another person if I am using them for something, especially if I am using him or her to make me feel better, to make me feel well or fixed or whole. I have many times known the disappointment of having the real other person emerge from behind my projections and startle me with the reality of who he or she is. These emerging aspects of their true otherness can even be spectacular and wondrous qualities, but since they are not part of my plan or expectation, the disappointment can be profound.
Part of my task now is to make my relationship with my higher power the primary relationship. All other relationships are secondary at best. The ground of my being in the world is my relationship with my higher power. Relationships with friends and lovers then reside on neutral territory, so to speak. These sacred others have a shot at actually showing up in my life as who they are and I am free to express my whole self as well. In this way I reduce the desperation with which I am looking for other people to complete me, fix me, heal me, let me heal or rescue them, etc.