you are right about me continuing to go to therapy. my last session was a good one. she accurately pointed out that my marriage has turned out to be much more constricting than what i signed up for. she asked what specific things i gained from being married that i wouldn't gain from a committed long term, living together relationship. i totally stalled. i had nothing. she pointed out that it seemed like one of the big factors for me was that it gave my family (and my parents in particular) the illusion that i was doing things the "right" way, which appears to be something i value.
so then we talked about my desire to not upset my parents and that it doesn't stem from fear of rejection or ridicule from them (since i'm pretty independent and such), but from a desire to not hurt or burden them when they feel like i've made a "mistake". my dad was divorced twice before my mom and it's still the source of a lot of tension and sadness for both of them, so even the idea of leaving my marriage makes me feel like i'd be reopening a big wound for them. but she said i can't live my life to keep my parents from feeling certain things...which is a big "duh", but i've been doing it for so long that it's hard to wrap my head around.
so my next step is to name to perm what's happening: that i'm spending time at home and not with cue right now to try and get him back to a balanced state, but i refuse to accept the false choices presented by the ultimatum and plan on continuing my relationship with cue. and assuming that's the route i go, i should start moving back towards where i want to be in terms of spending time with cue. she said it may take perm several months to process all this, so it could be messy and drawn out.
and yeah, DA, a big part of me sticking around is that i HAVE to know that i tried. i can't move forward effectively if i feel like i haven't explored every option to save something i have made a commitment to. if we were dating, i would have had a long conversation with him when he issued the ultimatum, and then i would have left.
perm has been a lot better over the last few days, but i am so wary. i feel like i see the writing on the wall now and no matter how much better things get for now, there will always be this cloud of doubt over my head. it seems pretty well established now that there is a cycle to this, and unfortunately it was/is trending towards worse, not better. so how much longer will things be "good" (ie: him stuffing things down while telling me everything is just peachy) before he suddenly pulls this emotional blackmail with me again and pulls the proverbial rug out from under me and whoever i'm dating? is it fair to me to live in that state? how long can i continue to try and drag emotional information out of him before i have to step away for my own mental health? and so on...that's the kind of stuff that is going to stick in my head as long as i'm with him, especially if he's not in counseling and not making concerted efforts to improve his communication. yuck.