When my marriage failed I suffered a great deal. After months of thinking about why I was so upset, I realized it was not because I mourned the loss of our relationship, but because I felt insecure, unworthy, and feared being alone forever. The truth is, the relationship was crap. I was conditioned to believe I was not worthy. I am totally worthy of love - real love in the form that I want it. Once I realized all that pain was actually caused by my own beliefs in myself, I knew I would never again feel pain like that from the ending of a relationship.
It is an incredibly important thing to feel strong within yourself. The challenge, for me atleast, is to balance compassion, loving, vulnerability, and care with a strong sense of self esteem and the ability to stand up for yourself.
I truly hope you find what you are looking for. It sounds like you have some understanding of what that is already.