So, an online friend proposed that poly works (he does not identify himself as poly), if it is “done well”. Well, I think I can safely say that I have “done it” quite poorly (we are about 4 months in).
There have been flags along the way, that I have not given the attention they deserve. And please do not jump on me for that, I admitted it remember? That's the past and none of us can change it.
Where we are now is that I have been dating as has dh, though it has looked very different:
I started out with one partner, and that has grown to another and a potential. I recognize that things moved way too fast. I didn't plan it that way; my mistake was naivete and my own insecurities (in not believing that I would be desirable to others).
Dh has been seeing a woman who is not poly, and not really comfortable with poly. She seems to operate as if she wishes I would somehow miraculously go away ;-). Well, her questioning of the poly lifestyle has only deepened dh's negative feelings toward it.
It is hard to boil this all down. I'll probably leave out important details, but just ask...
He came home from a date last week and told me that they had “fooled around” (this, as it turns out, is a lie). I responded positively, although I did admit that I had to grapple with my own insecurities, which I did gladly.
It was at that moment that dh recognized that our fundamental problem is that I am poly and he is mono.
He doesn't want me to date other men, but recognizes that this is true to who I am. The analogy he and his best friend came up with is similar to the process of coming out as gay (this man is gay). One can choose to hide who he/she is, but it would be just that, a major deception.
So, what dh and I laid out today is that I'm poly, he's mono, neither one of us has any desires or plans to leave the other (if you only knew how much we adore each other!), and obvee we have trust issues that need to be addressed.
So, now what? Can I just “go back” to being mono? Regardless, I know that I need to put things on hold with my secondaries, but damn if that's not hard on many levels...
I could really use advice and support right now. Ask for any necessary clarification.