Beginner poly guy approaching a new potential lover...
I am a beginner in this world of poly and I would appreciate some advice.
Here is my situation:
I am in a poly relationship with my wife. We have been together for 7 years. The first five years were mono, and the last two have been poly. In the beginning of the poly phase, she had a short relationship with a guy. Now for the past nine months she has had a steady relationship with her secondary partner. In the same time, I have not had another lover. I was initially resistive to us shifting to a poly relationship. But now I feel good about it, and I am searching for my own secondary lover/partner/friend.
Very recently, I met someone I really like, and I suspect that she has mutual attraction. At the moment, though, she doesn’t know about my poly relationship status. I intend to ask her out, but I am a little conflicted on the best way to go about it.
On the one hand, I like to be honest with people and keeping secrets feels weird. So, I don’t want to hide my relationship situation from the new person, and part of me wants to tell her about it at the first natural opportunity. On the other hand, I worry that if tell her too soon then she might be “scared off” by the general prospect.
My current plan is to behave honestly, but not to volunteer information about my poly relationship status immediately. If she asks, I will tell her. If she doesn’t ask, I will wait. Then, after we know each other better, I will broach the subject. Maybe things will go better after she has a chance to get to know me?
So, I present these questions:
1) Does anyone have suggestions for constructive ways to communicate with potential new lovers about being in a poly relationship?
2) When is the right time to tell the new person about being poly? (Immediately? Before the first date? Before the first kiss? Before sex? Wait until they ask?). What’s the etiquette?
3) I live in France, but my French language skill is still pretty weak. Does anyone know of English-language poly groups or resources in Paris? I have found some websites, but its all in a language that I only partly comprehend.
Thanks. Err...merci. I am looking forward to your thoughts.