Thanks rp and AT for your thoughtful responses.
Yes, it is a fairly new relationship. I met the guy online through a dating site in Nov., 2009. (I had never heard of polyamory until meeting him.) We had reg. emails and phone calls ( a few calls included her, his "primary" partner) before meeting in person. All three of us met in-person at their home in mid-April and spent a couple of busy, hectic days together. She wasn't around much of the time due to her school and work schedule, but I enjoyed the time I did spend with her and she told our guy she liked me, too. The first week in June I met up with them....along with all her children and her mother...for an S.C.A. event and we spent 5 days camping together. I worked alongside her at various times, having volunteered to help out. The 3 of us had some mis-communications and hurt feelings come up, but overall we were able to talk about them and resolve them. I enjoyed my time with the family, getting to know the others better, too.
During one of the days at the event I brought up to our guy that I felt very much like a secondary and that wasn't the position I wanted to be in in a poly relationship. He said he didn't mean or want for me to feel like a "secondary", but that things had been so hectic and that they were just more comfortable with one another and knew each other's ways. (What would often happen is that they would make a decision about where and when to eat, and then ask me and the other family members if we'd like to join them. They talked about if/when he might spend the night with me and then tell me "I think it will work out for us to spend Friday night together. Is that ok with you?" Well, I was never involved in the discussion with them as to if and when we would sleep together at all that week...which I would have preferred.)
My couple met within a polysituation. She was married to another guy and our guy became a third in that relationship. The other guy and she subsequently divorced when he chose to be in a mono relationship. She and our guy remained together and each is interested in finding another partner to form a poly family.
She recently asked to be added as a "Friend" on Facebook, which I was very pleased to do. I noticed on her page that she mentioned having several weekends filled up with events. It then struck me as to "Hey....they've got weekends planned out for the Summer. Where do I fit in???" Since we live 6 hours away from each other it's not like getting together can just happen on a casual spur of the moment basis.
I called our guy last night and told him I'd like to talk with him about some of my concerns related to our relationship and to a poly relationship. They were in the middle of an event that involved her son, so I told him I knew it wasn't a good time to talk, but would appreciate having time to talk with him soon.
Heck I don't know what to think!!!!!????? This is so frickin confusing.