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Old 06-29-2010, 10:37 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Ok besides the ultimatum....here are some of my other thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
He's moving a little fast for me. So far there have been four girls who he's told me have an interest in dating him. Only one of them seems to be someone he's actually seriously interested in, but he seems perfectly willing to date any and all of them.
If he is being honest then great. But 4 girls seems more like he is trying to get a fix instead of meeting people he will actually like. Maybe I am picky, but I can only think of 4 or 5 people I would consider dating in the last 9 months...but thats neither here nor there.

With that volume could he be boosting his own ego?

Past that, there are only 24 hours in a day. Thats a lot of time used up.

Ok I will get off my high horse. 4 just seems oddly excessive. I wonder what his take would be if they dated others.

Quote:
Mixed messages. That thing about being ready to date any and all of these girls seems in direct opposition to him telling me that he didn't plan on pursuing every opportunity that came his way. I also feel some confusion about how wanting to be poly contradicts things he's previously said. In the past he told me that he wanted us to be monogamous because he only wanted me; because it was better with me than with anyone else; because anything else would be a safety risk; because he felt something special for me. I really valued our monogamy because it was a sign of wanting to commit to me, when he'd not wanted it with anyone before. Given the fact that he now wants to date other people, do those things no longer hold true?
No, things change, people change, positions change. It happens ...take what he said before at face value and take the direction now at face value. Second guessing never helps any situation

Quote:
Isolation. I moved to a new city to be with him, and I don't really make friends easily. It's hard for me to get around, as it's a very car-centric place and I don't drive. I have an on-again-off-again lover where I used to live (off for over a year, obviously) and I would start seeing him again if I was there, but I don't know anyone here, and my opportunities for meeting people are pretty thin on the ground. I'm a little socially awkward, hard to get to know, and attractive only to people who like quirky.
This is sad. I hope you can find your voice and tell him this, and find your own space to build friends. REGARDLESS (and yes I am saying that with force) you should have your own friends. All to often monogamous couples fall into dependent friendships with each other. This creates un-needed pressure on the relationship and even bigger problems when non-monogamy hits the table.

Make sure he knows this is how you feel and that it is on the table.

Quote:
Vagueness. We haven't set any boundaries or ground rules, despite having talked about the need for them. I don't want to restrict him, because that made him unhappy, but I feel like going forward without them is a recipe for disaster. I'm also a little concerned about setting boundaries for him, because I feel like there are going to be more restraints in negotiating a poly situation than there were in a monogamous one, where there's really only one; "we don't have sex with anyone but each other". Now we're going to have a lot more, and I'm worried he won't accept any, because "feeling restrained" was what brought him to this point in the first place.
He sounds like he is running with the bulls. I agree that rules and such can be a pain and restraining but sometimes they are needed. To make everyone comfortable. I wish I could find the post, but it was an amazing breakdown of how to discuss rules and why they exist. As things get comfortable in the very uncomfortable skin of non-monogamy rules can be dropped, negotiated and discussed again.

You are in this partnership, you need to be comfortable and confident too. Simple rules like.

Quote:
And I'm not even going to go into the cliche of wondering why I'm not enough for him, but it's there. I'm not naive or uneducated, and I know all the reasoning why this is illogical; if I have a friend, do I have no room in my heart for another? But it's still there. And it brought along some shame.

I'm so in love with this man, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. I've never had much patience for that "I love you, so change" attitude, so I will do my best to embrace this as part of his beloved self. That said, I'm still struggling. I miss the confidence and security I felt when we were monogamous.

Advice, thoughts, reality checks? I've probably left out a dozen things; my head (heart?) feels like a hurricane hit it.
Thanks in advance for straight shooting. I really appreciate it... I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.
Well spoken, honest and in detail. Thats great. You didn't mention discussing it like this with him.

Have either of you read through this site

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Gives a great high level view of how poly should work. Tools and skills that can help make it very strong.

Good luck and welcome
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