The Best Life Yet

Spork said:

OMG IF ANYONE CAME NEAR MY EYEBALL WITH A NEEDLE I WOULD PICK UP A CHAIR AND SMASH THEM FLAT AND THEN PUT THE CHAIR DOWN AND HIDE UNDERNEATH IT AND THEN RUN AWAY!!!

RUN AWAYYYY!!!

*imagine eyes peeking from under a bed and the sound of hyperventilating.*

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Yes, this. I am needle phobic (although much better than I used to be) and eyeballs are a squick for me so...NO. (Which is why I still wear glasses, even though my vision would be quickly fixed by Lasik - I can't even bear the thought of contact lenses.)

Spork said:

Regarding Rider being attracted to lots of various people...

I wonder if that's a guy thing?

Like I have in my life got annoyed with a guy friend who commented on pretty much every female with a pulse that we saw on the street, to the point where it drove me nuts ("Yes dude, she is...symmetrical? I don't know what you want from me, here. Nothing about her interests me. She looks very mediocre.")

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Maybe more of a personality-type thing than male/female? Dude is indiscriminate - we tease him that his "type" is "has-a-vagina". When we are traveling together it drives me crazy that he wants to stop and talk to ANYone that will let him. Now, I just keep walking - I have ZERO interest in casual conversation with strangers.

My BFF SLeW is the female version of Dude except that her "type" is somewhat narrower than "has-a-penis" (When we go out she will typically talk to a dozen or so men and dance with a few, where I rarely have the urge to do more than watch one or two.)

MrS can appreciate the aesthetics of women (or men) without having any interest in actually interacting with them. He sometimes has to be reminded that he has the ability to FLIRT BACK with women at festivals!

11 and a half days. That's apparently how long it takes after my seeing Beckett to return more-or-less back to baseline—to where missing him does not feel like it's twisting my viscera and thoughts of him are not completely overpowering everything else in my brain.

I first noticed it when I went out Thursday evening: oh, I'm thinking about Beckett sometimes, but not intrusively and it doesn't hurt anymore. It was good, as it enabled be to be a lot more engaged with Rider. It was Perry's last outing before he leaves for a two-month trip to Asia, and Rider and I went out to hang with him even though it was a "school night."

And it's been pretty much the same since then. I text with Beckett a bit, look at his posts on social media, etc., but it's back to pre-visit levels—it's not consuming my life. Welp, now I know for next time that I should prepare to be kind of a nut for 10–12 days after seeing him.

Speaking of, it's still too early for me to have firm plans with him that weekend that I'll be in Florida. I am still hoping for Sunday but I will sacrifice Saturday night if I have to. We're supposed to hang out with Sam Friday night and Saturday night, but to be honest, and I'd LOVE to see Sam both nights and do Sunday with Beckett, but if I have to choose, at this time I would choose time with Beckett.

Sam has barely talked to me lately. My original plan was going to be to try to determine if there is still something to explore between us that weekend, and maybe I still will, but when I was first thinking that, I thought that Sam was going to be a lot closer to moving to this coast than it currently sounds like he is, and I am not sure how well such a long-distance thing between us would even work. So I am not going to make him my top priority, and I am not going to query or nudge him. I still love him, of course, and we are still friends, but I was always the one putting effort forth, and I am leaving the ball in his court till he figures out what's happening with his move. He could message me first, for once, but he never does. Plus, even if I do sacrifice Saturday night, I'm still getting to see him for 24 hours.

So I will try at some point in the next week to get Beckett to agree to some firm plans. We shall see about that.

What else did I do this week?

There was Perry's thing Thursday, which I already mentioned. Friday, I mostly worked late, then did some music with Rider.

Yesterday, Rider and I went to the Day of the Dead festival that Beckett had suggested. I got an outfit from the thrift store (a dress, shoes, a bag, and an extra shirt for under $30!). We painted our faces for the event, and I tried my hand doing sugar-skull style face paint. The result was kinda sloppy—I don't have very steady hands!—but I think it was OK anyway. If there's ever a next time, I suppose I'll do better.

That was a really cool event. It's held in the graveyard and there are stages with bands, food and tchotchke vendors, platforms with tribal dancers, smoke and conch rituals—all kinds of neat cultural stuff. It went from noon to midnight, and Rider and I got there in the late afternoon when there was still enough light to take pictures. After dark, we wandered off some of the beaten paths into darker corners of the cemetery, just holding hands and kissing and being romantic. It was so much fun! I highly, highly recommend it if you ever find yourself in L.A. on a Halloweekend. I thanked Beckett for giving me the heads up about it and texted him the picture I linked above.

We stuck around there for a few hours and then went home to chill for a while before our next event.

We had tickets to the Halloween ball at the goth club. Rider went as kind of a French maid Lolita style thing in giant boots. I went as a sexy sloth, LOL. I think it turned out pretty well despite having dyed the (white) skirt using a Rit dye that was supposed to be brown but ended up grey. Grey is still a sloth color, I suppose. I was pretty happy looking at that photo that I am starting to get some definition in my stomach area again, and holy bike legs, Batman, haha, I had no idea my thighs looked so powerful right now! My fingers were supposed to be the sloth claws.

We actually met up with Desi at the club. It was our first time meeting her, and she was really nice. I am not actually attracted to her IRL, but she seemed like a really cool person to be friends with. She and I had been specific about just being friends to start with anyway, and I didn't get a flirty vibe off of her at all, so I think we're probably both on the same page there.

Rider was again the belle of the ball. Everyone always wants to take pictures of him, and he's always making new friends. It was a really good time. The music they were playing was fantastic. I think there were only a handful of songs all night that I didn't like.

Today I was supposed to go get massages with Rider and then go to an Asian spa with Tien, but Rider is napping and Tien texted me to cancel. Since she canceled, I am letting Rider sleep. I'll see if he still wants to go for the massages after he's up. For now, I'm just being lazy.

(continued...)

(...continued from previous)

In other news...

Jason has still been texting me a lot. I'm really not sure what I want to do about him. I like him a lot as a potential friend, and in theory it is still possible that I could grow an attraction to him under the right circumstances, but I am not sure that those circumstances are going to be possible in the nearish future. I also don't want to string him along or for him to get too distracted by me when he could find other people with more time and passion for him.

I suppose I should just communicate to him that I'm too busy and distracted right now to give him the kind of attention that a budding connection deserves, while also letting him know that I'm not completely closing that door, if he wants to try to hang out more later when I'm back from all my fall travels.

Allie has confirmed that Rider and I can stay with her that Monday night that we're in Florida. She's going to ask for Tuesday off work so she can stay up late with us and have sexytimes.

Jake and I are working on nailing down plans for my hometown visit. He's offered me and Rider his guest room. And he's said we can do platonic cuddle PJ party whichever night(s) we want. I am soooo looking forward to seeing that lovely man.

My boss decided on Friday that he's going to give everyone the last week of the year off! So I get a second vacation! I think Rider and I are going to drive out to the small desert town where we're thinking of getting hitched, to check out the restaurant and lodging we had in mind. I am really looking forward to some relaxation that week, too. Sometimes I feel very thankful for the place where I work. I do have my complaints from time to time, but overall they treat me well.

I've been doing some thinking since I have re-emerged from the cave of Beckett obsession. There's something really disturbing about how that NRE affects my brain. It's like, I feel like it does something weird and not good to my feelings about anything OTHER than Beckett. Like, most of the time, in regular life, I am near-constantly super thankful for Rider, and glowy when I look at him and hang out with him.

But when I am lost in the Beckett fugue, it's like I am mostly only thankful for Rider in the capacity that he is just there for me and that he supports and helps make the Beckett thing possible. I have a hard time just being in the moment with him and appreciating him for the little things that make him him, which is almost counter to everything that I am about. Usually I am so all about Rider, so appreciative about all his little pieces.

I feel like my romantic attention is like the light on the lighthouse or something—when it is focusing hard on one person, one 10-degree slice of the world, the other 350 degrees goes kinda dark.

But then the minute the brain drugs wear off and I go back to feeling pretty normally about Beckett, then I am right back to being super into Rider again. Since Thursday night I have been feeling so blissful and happy and appreciative of him. Despite my PMS, even. But while I'm intoxicated with Beckett-NRE, it's a lot easier for me to get frustrated with Rider, especially in those moments when it feels like he is getting in my way on Beckett things. But even outside of that.

I don't like it—I don't even like thinking about it—but I do have to admit that when I am deep in Beckett-land, I feel like my relationship with Rider almost turns sibling-like; I love him, and it's nice to be next to him, but my desire is zapped and I am more easily annoyed with him. But then it bounces right back to normal, sexual desire and all, afterward. We had some really good sex yesterday morning, and it was I who initiated and was really craving it.

So I don't know what to do with that information. How or why could NRE with someone actually TAKE AWAY from my regular bliss with the person I'm usually with? It makes it feel almost...traitorous...for me to want to pursue it, then. Even if I am being careful to ACT normal and be good to Rider as always, I feel betrayed by my own feelings. Like, isn't poly all about love multiplying and expanding? Then how is the "sparkle" existing one place seemingly taking away from the "sparkle" that usually exists in another place?

Can it be—that one person's magnetic field (figuratively speaking) is so strong that it just pulls my compass needle totally in that direction until it's out of range again? That seems really unfair! And it also seems really scary and instability-making that it can happen, whether it is happening to me (as in this case) or happening to Rider (as it may in some future case).

I know that perception is literally everything in terms of how we interact with our world, and it shakes my confidence to think that my perceptions about and reactions to people, things, and interactions could be so influenced by something (brain chemistry) that I have little control over. I mean, sure, I have control over whether I feed it (for example, I could cut contact with Beckett if I started to feel really out of control, thus removing the stimulus), but I don't have control over what my brain chemistry does in response to the stimulus if I choose not to remove it.

It also gives me a thought conundrum. Like, obviously Beckett is not going to become a serious relationship partner for me—I've already listed the reasons why in earlier posts. But, say he were...or say there's a Future Mystery Guy who has a similar effect on me.

Say I meet a local Beckett-surrogate, that Future Mystery Guy (FMG), and I find that getting all dizzy for him swings the compass needle of my romantic and sexual attraction reliably his direction and away from Rider. Knowing that it would otherwise be steadily pointed at Rider, and knowing that the life I am building with Rider would benefit from connection on those levels being constant and unflagging—would it be unethical for me to pursue things with FMG?

I feel like I have made a commitment to Rider to ensure that our relationship is happy and healthy, and to put in what work is necessary to feed the romantic and sexual components of any long-term comfortable relationship.

So is it then a violation of that commitment to chase something that seems to, in a way, deactivate those components? Maybe it's not a big deal in the case of Beckett, when I don't see him much and am back to normal in about two weeks' time. But if it were someone local, maybe there never would be those two weeks' time to readjust. So what would prevent the romantic/sexual side of things from being more like serial monogamy ("now all my interest is over here with FMG and I'm in maintenance/duty mode with existing partner") than like true poly where it's all kind of existing simultaneously?

Is it possible to learn to switch back immediately rather than it taking two weeks? Like, if I could learn to switch back into all-about-Rider mode at the end of the date with Beckett/FMG, rather than two weeks later...then it wouldn't matter. Beckett/FMG time would not affect Rider time at all. Or, hell, even if the transition time were closer to like two DAYS instead of two weeks. That'd still be a tough row to hoe with someone local, but not impossible to make work.

If it were just a matter of waiting out NRE, that would be one thing, but it has been true all my adult life that NRE for me lasts about 2.5 to 3 years like clockwork, and that is far too long to wait to be naturally reasonable again.

I dunno. Maybe all of this is just leftover crumbs of the serial monogamy I lived for most of my adult life; maybe my inner workings are just so used to "be real interested in someone new" meaning "must move on from the last person" because that's all I've lived till being poly with Rider. All my life I've always been prone to liking more than one guy at once, but this is the first relationship that I've been in where that's OK.

All of my other situations were characterized by drama and being torn (if I were with someone, and then got interested in someone new, and so had to leave the first person), or liking more than one person at a time in an unrequited sense (i.e., I was not with either of the interests though I wanted to be with at least one). I've never been in a situation where I was super-duper into more than one person AND got to be with them both regularly.

Maybe with a ton more practice, the transitions will be a seamless, couple-of-hours thing, and I can be totally present with each partner for the majority of the time that I am with them.

All of this is just kind of a hypothetical brain dump—just me kind of flipping through and processing some thoughts and feelings and points of confusion. It's a really uncomfortable topic for me to explore, but experience shows me that those are usually the most important topics to explore.

Having hashed out here some of the stuff that I did at the end of my last post, I was able to talk to Rider a bit about it last night. I didn't use the same exact wording—my wording during a brain-dump is less...diplomatic, maybe...than the wording I'd actually bring to a person that I care about. But it seemed important to share with him that I was processing this stuff.

So basically the way that I phrased it was as an apology for how crazy I get about Beckett, and how I know that craziness kind of puts me off of my regular way of being: disrupts my libido, makes me distracted, etc.

I told him how happy I was to be feeling normal again, and how much I love and appreciate him. I explained my lighthouse metaphor, and he said he is much the same way, so he understands.

I ventured that perhaps it will get easier—perhaps the transitions will be shorter and less brutal—once I have had a bit more practice at this stuff. Rider had a ton of practice during the first year of our relationship when he was back and forth between me and his other girlfriend two or three times a week every week for over a year. I never really have had that. The closest I really came was that short period of time when I was still in Florida and seeing Beckett. It has to be a practice-able skill like any other.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. It took me a very long time and a lot of effort to learn how to have empathy, and even having learned it, it is not something that comes naturally to me. Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain a sense of connection to and desire to do for people once I have already won them over and can see love in their faces. Sometimes I feel like a lot of things that make humans human—empathy, a reliable desire for true connection, passion about things—are things I have to consider intellectually and then work at. They don't come naturally. Sometimes it is very hard for me to see outside of the bubble of myself and beyond the aim of [thing that I want].

But at the same time, it is not like I am emotionless. I do have great upwellings of emotion, both positive and negative. And most of those do have to do with people, so it is not that I am wholly antisocial. My highest highs are from bursts of NRE or gushes of love from staring tenderly at the face of someone I cherish. My lowest lows are the rage and fear of jealousy—the idea of being replaced or losing someone I care about. I swell with pride when my accomplishments are recognized, and I feel shame when I encounter mistakes I have made. I am human.

I do feel like a weird human though, sometimes.

It's helpful to read here in these blogs and see that everyone struggles in different ways, and everyone's take on pretty much everything is totally unique. I may not be like everyone else, but no one is like everyone else. One thing that we all have in common is that, sometimes, each of us feels set apart and alone. Alienation is like the human condition or something.

This popped up on my Facebook today. While the science is not...properly scienced out yet...it's an intriguing line of logic.

http://www.ozy.com/acumen/how-to-make-yourself-fall-in-love-or-out-of-love/71532

Basically mental exercises to consciously try and control your "in-love"-ness.

I dunno, I'm new to all of this so any "patterns" I think I'm recognizing with my own romantic behavior, are highly suspect. Like I just don't have enough adult, real-world experience. I have LOTS of sex experience, but it was all teenage tomfoolery, and that just isn't the same.

But I know that when I am crazy-in-love in that NRE state, I can be very intense. And have a hard time making anyone else a priority. In my case, I have to be very honest here...I'm parenting a teenager. Now, doing this is a pain in the ass on a good day, and it's often going to naturally feel more like a duty than a joy. But you throw in on top of that, being hip deep in NRE with Zen...and I'm having to be careful that:

a.) I'm giving Q the time and attention he deserves and needs.
b.) I'm not getting pissed every time he interferes in my planned Zen time, just because of thwarted NRE feels.
c.) I'm not overcorrecting to the other side out of Mom-guilt, and letting him walk all over me because I don't want him to feel neglected or in competition with Zen for my love.

I have to find a way to just stand my ground, do my thing, and not play games with any of it...and it's VERY hard.

So I think I'm saying that what you are experiencing is probably natural, and that as a concept, it probably translates to more scenarios and relationships than just those of polyfolk.

Reverie said:

I do feel like a weird human though, sometimes.

It's helpful to read here in these blogs and see that everyone struggles in different ways, and everyone's take on pretty much everything is totally unique. I may not be like everyone else, but no one is like everyone else. One thing that we all have in common is that, sometimes, each of us feels set apart and alone. Alienation is like the human condition or something.

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Amen to this. I frequently wonder if I am like, half sociopath or something, because I don't feel things the way I think I'm supposed to feel them. I will save the details for my own blog so as not to clutter yours, but I just wanted to say that yeah, it does help to know that everyone is weird in their own way!

Spork said:

This popped up on my Facebook today. While the science is not...properly scienced out yet...it's an intriguing line of logic.

http://www.ozy.com/acumen/how-to-make-yourself-fall-in-love-or-out-of-love/71532

Basically mental exercises to consciously try and control your "in-love"-ness.

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Hmm, but I don't even think I want to be "less in love" with Beckett. Despite its inconvenience, it feels good just to feel something about someone when usually all I can muster is a "meh." I just think I'd prefer if that super-in-love feeling didn't actually detract from my other feelings for any other people (or responsibilities). Like, yes, go ahead and exist, silly inconvenient love, but CO-exist peacefully with other things instead of completely wiping the landscape of them...things like eating and sleeping and working and loving my partner! Sheesh!

Y'know?

Reverie said:

Hmm, but I don't even think I want to be "less in love" with Beckett. Despite its inconvenience, it feels good just to feel something about someone when usually all I can muster is a "meh." I just think I'd prefer if that super-in-love feeling didn't actually detract from my other feelings for any other people (or responsibilities). Like, yes, go ahead and exist, silly inconvenient love, but CO-exist peacefully with other things instead of completely wiping the landscape of them...things like eating and sleeping and working and loving my partner! Sheesh!

Y'know?

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Actually, my thinking would be a deliberate, almost meditative attempt to mentally "up-vote" Rider during these times, which might also help to be grounded and mindful when you're with him. As my Zen likes to say, "be here now."

Spork said:

Actually, my thinking would be a deliberate, almost meditative attempt to mentally "up-vote" Rider during these times, which might also help to be grounded and mindful when you're with him. As my Zen likes to say, "be here now."

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Ahhh, OK, that makes a lot more sense! I was thinking about it backward!

GirlFromTexlahoma said:

Amen to this. I frequently wonder if I am like, half sociopath or something, because I don't feel things the way I think I'm supposed to feel them. I will save the details for my own blog so as not to clutter yours, but I just wanted to say that yeah, it does help to know that everyone is weird in their own way!

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I'm gonna weigh in on your blog post here.

GirlFromTexlahoma said:

The funny thing is, this didn't keep me up at night until I started thinking about polyamory. Because metamours. To me, unless I have developed some sort of friendship/caring with a meta that is independent of sharing a partner, they remain in the "I don't give a shit" mass of people. And it's not like getting to know them guarantees I'll feel that friendship and respect... There are lots of people I hang out with pretty regularly that I don't consider friends or care about. I genuinely like Steph, and at this point I care about her enough as a person to want to treat her well. Anna... Eh. Not really. Wives and girlfriends of men I'm dating? Not at all.

Yet - I'm supposed to care about their needs and feelings. I'm supposed to treat them with respect and honor their boundaries and blah blah blah, even when it's a pain in the ass. I think about this a lot when the topic of cheating comes up. I would never do that to Andy, because I love him. I have zero moral qualms about dating someone who is cheating. I don't think I'd be happy being someone's secret mistress, but there's no moral quandary about it. I don't know the guys wife, I don't care how it affects her. Same with breaking boundaries and agreements. If I was dating someone, and knew he had agreed to hold off on sex with me until his other partner was comfortable, I wouldn't feel bad at all jumping right into bed. Her feelings? Not my problem. Even if I'd met her, even if she seemed nice... Chances are I don't feel enough about her one way or the other to give a shit if she gets hurt.

That's something I think about when I muse that I am ill suited for "real" polyamory. That I just lack the basic caring toward random others. It just feels very ... Artificial... Fake... Contrived .... to me, to pretend I have goodwill toward these other partners, when I don't truly feel it. I don't have malicious intent. I just don't give a fuck, mostly.

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This stuff is kind of similar to the stuff I have been pondering in the Beckett arena. Rider has tried to invoke my conscience, like I should feel bad about Beckett being willing to come close to cheating, or to perhaps even cheat, with me. But I kind of just...don't? I know I should. I know it's not right. But honestly what I feel about it is kind of a mix of these things.

On the side of IDGAF:

1. It's not my job to police Beckett's behavior around my own boundaries. It's like...well, fuck, if Beckett himself can't muster enough caring about his partner to stay in line, why the hell should *I* be able to?

2. When it comes to Beckett, I have very little self control in the face of how pleasurable any contact with him is. Like, on the scales of morality, any little pebbles of "should" and "right" have a VERY hard time balancing out against the whomping giant boulder of "want."

3. I feel some kind of misplaced sense of "dibs" since I was hooking up with Beckett before his boyfriend was. I know it's misplaced, but knowing that doesn't change how I feel.

4. He's so mysterious (and I'm such an overachiever) that solving the challenge of how to get him to open up to me more is like the world's most tantalizing puzzle. Don't get me wrong, I love-love-love how easy it is to get along with and figure out Rider—it's great to have a partner who is no mystery at all—but with that being the state of things, coming across a challenge is like discovering a new and exotic game.

5. There's something completely sexy about the idea that he finds me as irresistible as I find him, like he's fighting it a bit but unable to stop himself from getting closer and closer. Now, this isn't really about the danger itself being sexy—though I've heard that's a thing—since it was just as compelling to me when he was single: the watching him resist and watching him end up being unable to resist falling for me. It just feels good to know that he feels it too.

But then on the side of ISGAF (I should give a fuck):

1. There's that whole thing about how morally upstanding people are better partners, since they respect themselves and others.

2. I hypocritically live in terror of potential Future Mystery Metamours being as cavalier with my feelings as I am feeling like I could be with this Beckett-boyfriend's. Like, if I found out some chick were pushing to see if she could get Rider to break our guidelines, I'd be livid, and there would not be peace around that person/topic for possibly the rest of my natural life. I take a really long time to forgive or forget when I don't love someone and they have wronged me in some way. (I'm probably too forgiving of people that I do love, so maybe it balances out?)

But BOTH of those ISGAF things have really nothing to do with anyone else. They still have to do with my being selfish.

The first one is about good-partner-(for-me) selection. Ideally I want to date people who are "good." Because then they are likelier to be good to me.

The second one, I guess, is two-part. It's halfway kind of a bit of magical thinking in an almost karma-related sense. Like, maybe people will be nicer to me if I am nicer to (different) people. It doesn't actually make sense.

And it's halfway that I have realized through trial and error over time that if I behave in ways that I believe to be upstanding—if I resist that irresistible temptation and do what I believe to be "good" and "right"—then it pays dividends down the line in self-respect, which turns into boosted self-esteem, which has helped me with a whole host of other "issues" I've had that resulted from low self-esteem.

The way that this seems to work (as best as I understand it) is that for a long time, I prided myself on things that I had no real hand in, like people thinking I was pretty, or if I found some way to prove that I was smart. But both of those things are largely due to genetics. I felt insecure in my self-esteem because two of the things I received the most positive feedback about were nothing that I did. They were just luck of the draw, and I couldn't take credit for them. When I began to instead choose to be proud of my accomplishments—not my intellect, but my education; not my looks in themselves, but maybe my makeup skills or weight-loss efforts—rather than things that fate had handed me, I started to feel more confident overall. And "treating people well" definitely falls into the realm of possible accomplishment.

So, taken in their purest forms, even my motivations for "good" are anything but altruistic. Which means that they are kind of easily prevailed over by my motivations for—I won't say "evil" because it's not being bad for its own sake, so let's call it "misbehavior." The delayed gratification of being happier and more confident due to higher self-respect sometimes is not enough of a carrot in the face of really strong temptation like Beckett.

I am not sure if this is a normal, regular-person thing, or if I am some kind of freak. But I do spend a great deal of time thinking about ethics and trying to decide which path would be the most respectable and ethical one. It's just that I'm not doing so out of any real desire to benefit other people. It's more like if I can determine what I think is "right" and then do it, I get a confidence boost and can pat myself on the back for doing the right thing. And if other people notice and also pat me on the back, all the better! I'm kind of a praise-whore.

Long story short: when I am "bad," I am doing it for me and my own selfish reasons. When I am "good," I am also doing it for me and my own selfish reasons. It's just a matter of whether I am making myself feel good in the short term or in the long term. Sometimes short term wins!

Halloween was all right. Rider and I went to the Carnaval in West Hollywood, which is called the biggest Halloween party in the world. It was a decent time. Seeing people's creative costumes was cool. I started getting mildly annoyed that everyone wanted to stop and take pictures with Rider just because he was so tall in those boots and so spectacular in that drag maid costume that he caught everyone's eye. I'd be walking with him behind me and suddenly I'd turn around and he'd be way back there posing. He got an incredible kick out of it though.

Beckett was visiting friends up the coast for a four-day weekend from Fri–Mon, and he still hasn't been home yet. Apparently he had to go directly from the airport to the city adjacent to his (where I used to live). Since he hasn't been to his city yet, he hasn't seen the gifts I got him yet. I am squirming with anticipation wondering when he will finally get to open them.

I've been putting together a list of cookies I want to bake for Florida people to bring on our trip. So far, I have preferences from our friend Janie (with whom we are staying two nights), Henry (Janie's partner), and Allie (with whom we are staying one night. I am trying to nail down a preference from Beckett, but Beckett is terrible about answering questions.

I've also tried to get a preference from Shana, but Shana is...well, she's weird. Like, hypothetically, we're friends, but I feel like we might actually be frenemies? I've never done anything to her, but she's friends with Rider's ex, and she can be super snippy with me for no apparent reason. Sometimes I think she's mad at me for taking Rider away, but she says she's not. And yet.

Anyway, in this case, she messaged me back with a response about being vegan, but the tone in it seemed...weird. Like, I knew she was vegan—we've had conversations about it before and I've eaten at her house a bunch of times. I didn't specify the vegan thing because I thought we could both just assume it. I decided to gloss over the odd tone and send a recipe for some vegan samoas and ask her if those sounded good to her. We'll see what she comes back with.

I feel a little sad about the whole thing. Rider tells me that I shouldn't worry overly much about it. He says that Shana is the kind of person who you can't really trust as far as you can throw, and who is petty and backstabbing to people anyway. But I've had so much fun in her company before, and I really like her partner, Al, and she is generally a fixture of that whole friends-group, meaning that we'll often be in the same place at the same time. So finding a way to actually be friends with her seems like a desirable thing. But it seems like all of my attempts at offering her genuine friendship have fallen flat. I guess if this trip is more of the same, I'll stop trying. Can't please everyone, I suppose.

I'm not as excited about tonight's photo shoot as I thought that I would be, mainly because it is supposed to be colder here tonight than I'd hoped and we're going to be outside. Hopefully I will be good at acting like I'm not freezing to death!

I've been soooo busy. The photo shoot turned out great! My friend got a ton of really good pictures, which unfortunately I can't link here because they will be up publicly on his site and therefore reverse searchable soon. But they were good! I stayed out way past my bedtime though!

The day after the shoot, I actually had kind of a bunk day. It started out good enough: Beckett finally opened his presents and practically squeed about them. There were so many "OMGs" and exclamation marks.

But then I ended up having to work late, and I hadn't brought enough food to work, so I got hangry. And then an inattentive driver nearly hit me on my bike ride home. And I was still tired from the previous night.

Rider was very sweet and made me dinner and gave me a massage, which cheered me up some. But then something silly happened.

I have this thing that I do where I text people that I like "happy birthday" at the stroke of midnight on their birthday, and so at 9:00 I did that for Beckett (time difference), and he texted back "slightly obsessive!" with the crying laughing emoji. And my feelings were really hurt; I worried that maybe he was telling me lightly to back off with all the attention. I couldn't think of anything to text back except "sorry," so that's what I did. And then when I didn't hear back from him for five minutes or so, I literally just curled up into a ball on the couch and fell asleep, with a very "fuck this day and the horse it rode in on" kind of attitude.

Rider watched the end of the World Series and let me sleep till midnight, when he roused me to move to the bed. I looked at my phone and saw that Beckett had texted me three times in pretty quick succession, and when I read the texts, he seemed to be trying to make sure I wasn't upset. He'd said "Sorry? No, no, don't be!" and then when I didn't answer right away, he'd texted again, "Just very OCD of you." And then when I didn't answer yet again, he texted, "but I appreciate the gesture."

Reading those, I realized that he'd been doing the thing he sometimes does where he teases me for being "OCD" in the sense that I tend to be kind of a perfectionist and always like to have all the ducks in a row and shit all punctual and organized. Only I hadn't parsed "obsessive" with "OCD"; I'd thought he meant it in the "overly attached girlfriend meme" sense. I'd completely missed that he was doing his usual teasing because of that disconnect and also because I'm bad enough at reading joke tone in person—it's even worse over text.

Once I realized that, I thought the worried-seeming backpedaling texts were touching and cute. We kept up a pretty robust text stream all through yesterday, and when I changed my profile pic across social media to one from the new shoot, he commented that I am beautiful.

Yesterday overall was really good. I had to work half a regular day and then leave for a business trip, but this time I got to bring Rider! It was a three-hour drive to this small town where I have to work, and we had a fun road trip, shooting the shit and stopping for tacos, and then wandering around the little main street after getting to town. We also had some bangin' hotel sex at the end of the night.

Today was pretty much work all day for me. Rider bar-hopped through the town and got pretty day drunk and took a nap while I texted Beckett for a bit. Then when Rider woke up, we went out for Indian and ice cream. And then we spent all evening in the hotel bed, watching Netflix on my laptop, cuddling, doing sexy things, or just chatting. It's been really nice to just reconnect with him in a slow-paced "boring" place where there isn't much to do other than eat, drink, and interact with each other. It really reawakened my appreciation of him.

I was thinking tonight as I stroked Rider's chest how freaking thankful I am for poly. If it weren't for poly, I would totally be fucking up the awesome thing that I have right now. And because poly exists, and that's our agreement, I am not. I finally get to learn what it's like to be with someone for the long term.

Super-coincidentally, an acquaintance just then posted this poly article on Facebook. It was someone I hadn't even realized was poly—a friend of Rider's from the fetish scene who I'd always took to be gay (he's been partnered with the same guy for 10 years) but Rider just told me he's actually bi. Anyway, cool to realize that I know more poly people than I thought I did, and also cool that the article came across my path just as that same thought crossed my mind.

OK, I should get to sleep. It's my last day of work on this trip tomorrow, and then Rider and I have plans to tear this tiny town up. I am going to permit myself a rare indulgence in alcohol to see what the beer here is like. And then we have one more night in the hotel, and Sunday we're going to explore a national park a bit before driving back. I'm excited—it all seems very romantic and exciting to me.

I am in a bit of a Beckett-related funk today but am luckily (?) too busy with work to devote too much attention to it. Even so, it is distracting me and I am hoping that dumping some of it here will help to squeegee my brain clean and let me focus better.

Basically, I just feel kind ignored right now. I had texted Beckett late Saturday night asking if he wanted to see a pic I had of me that was from the same year he'd just changed his profile pic to ('90s, teenage years), and he'd responded early yesterday (while I was still sleeping) saying "of course!" So when I woke up and saw his message, I'd texted the pic and...no response, not then nor later. OK, fine, not a big deal. He's busy. He didn't see it. I wasn't perturbed at that point.

But then I picked up a postcard for him from the national park that Rider and I visited yesterday, because I'd promised Beckett when he was here that I'd report back to him on how the park was. I'd decided that a postcard would be a cute, quaint way of doing that, plus the imagery on the card was meaningful I texted him last night asking if his business address was the best mailing address for the postcard, figuring that although he preferred packages shipped there, maybe he wouldn't want employees seeing a personal message. And...still nothing.

I know that sometimes he just doesn't even see my texts (presumably they get buried in an avalanche of other texts), but I wanted to mail the postcard while it was still timely, so this morning I attempted to bump my text thread by sending just little mailbox emoji as a reminder. And STILL nothing. He didn't even look at it, from what I can tell.

In the meantime, he was being quite active on social media. I commented on one of his posts, and although he replied to like 90% of his other friends' comments on there, he didn't say anything in response to mine. His was the kind of post that elicits tons of "I think you're awesome the way you are" type of responses, and mine was along those same lines, but for some reason he said nice things back to almost everyone but me.

So even though all of that is super petty-sounding (a boy didn't respond to my texts or social media comment, wahhhh, first-world problems!), that doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel terrible.

One thing that I dislike about myself is how easily my moods get tied to the attention (or lack thereof) from someone when I am really into the person. A single kind word can make my entire day. A 36-hour stretch without a response to a question can push me into the dumps.

Another thing I dislike about myself is that when I feel this way, I tip super-easily into a "take my ball and go home" bratty mindset. I start scheming ways to stop caring (as if it were even that easy) and imagine myself not saying anything at all to him until he responds. And fuck it, if that means I never see him again then so be it. These lines of thinking are stupid, childish game shit—shit I don't really mean. Or, I halfway don't mean it, at least.

There's just this part of me that is piping up loudly, saying that if he really cared about me, answering the address question would be the minimum of the response I'd get, and he'd be as eagerly looking forward to messages from me as I do from him. This part of me is certain that when I ask him a simple question that goes unanswered, it is proof that he doesn't care.

And then there's the devil's advocate to that part, which reminds me that he's literally told me out loud (twice) that purposeful gaps in communication are one method that he uses to keep himself from getting too entangled. So maybe when he goes ghost it is because he cares too much rather than not enough.

If only I could just be calm and casual about this, instead of dissecting and scrutinizing every molecule of it. Instead of every good thing or bad thing feeling so amplified that it fries my circuits and sends the needles on all my internal gadgetry spinning and shaking.

A thing can never just be itself at face value to me in these situations. I'm always taking the tiniest sign and extrapolating it out to infinity. But in the end, no matter how much doom I cook up in my brain-cauldron, I'll end up doing what I always do: force myself to put the whole thing out of my head for a few days, then eventually message him something light-hearted.

I'll write more about the actual trip (and other stuff) later. I just wanted to wring some of this out of my system.

Stupid Beckett. Stupid, amazing, addictive, maddening Beckett. Ugh.

Yeeaahhh...

So remember my talk of the Worm King? Guy I was goofy over last year, and who still (STILL, DAMMIT!) pops into my head once in a while?

I remember doing a thing of obsessing over the trees. I could not be chill and let it be what it be, let it go if it's gonna go, basically I was not able to be as casual as he needed me to be.

I didn't mean THAT much to him, not enough to (hate this word, don't read too much into it, k?) commit to even keep doing what we were doing. Like he couldn't even commit to a non-committed continuation of fun activities. Even what I was asking, which did not seem much to me, was too much for him. But I was into him, oh boy, I had the woo-woo-feelsies goin' on. And I wanted reassurance whenever he put distance between us in any way...and I often think that it was that reassurance seeking behavior that was too much and really got me shut out for good.

Maybe.

Thing is though. In a situation like this, where one person is hearts-in-eyes for another, and the other is "yeah, it's cool, whatever" about the in-love one...the feelsy person wants reassurance from the not so feelsy one, like you are looking for security where there's no security. You're looking at all of these trees, like "that's a stupid tree. Yep, that's a damn stupid tree and I know it!" when the forest in front of you is that you're more invested in Beckett boy than he is in you, sadly.

And if you're anything like I am in this situation, you're gonna waver between "OK, I can take this on his terms" and "fuck this, it hurts and I'm done!" for quite a while. You're going to long for him to be more considerate to you than he probably feels his investment level warrants. And he's over there like, he really enjoys you when you're together, but when you're not, he's living the life in front of his eyeballs. Which you aren't part of, no matter how much you poke him on Facebook. Honestly, I think this situation can be a sucky one to be in, but no one on earth will be able to tell you to untether from it, until you are damn good and ready.

I think you're awesome and if I had the words to prompt you to be un-fuck-withable, I would say them. But I would hope and wish for you to find some good mojo to occupy your attention and don't let fussy unhappy feels for a boy ruin your day. *hugs*

Spork, thanks for understanding. That is basically how it is. The bottom line is that I think that he does like me as much as I like him, but he is far more capable of shoving that into a little box when it is inconvenient for him to think about than I am. Which has the same outward effect on me as if he didn't like me at all.

Every single time that he lets his guard slip for a while and starts doing things like texting me first, or calling me beautiful publicly on FB, or responding to things with enthusiasm the moment he sees the text/post/etc.—all of which he did this weekend—every. single. time. that has happened, there reaches a point where the pendulum swings the other way and he ignores me for a while as if to make up for it.

There's another funny piece to the pattern, too, where after few days of the freeze-out treatment, he starts interacting again, but ONLY to "like" things on Facebook that I post with/about Rider. It happened again last night. It almost feels like he is trying to use his sphere of heightened influence to kind of redirect me—like every time I see his name on FB, it's one of those blinking roadside attraction arrow signs, and Beckett knows it and is trying to point the arrow at Rider. That sounds insane, but that's what it feels like sometimes.

But, yeah, I do completely believe that he is way better about "living the life in front of his eyeballs" than I am.

As for the untethering, I am pretty sure I am stuck in this whatever this is—infatuation purgatory or whatever—until my trip back to FL is over, and then probably for a couple weeks after that. I know myself well enough to know that there is zero chance of letting go of the plotting and planning and slim hopes until then.

After then...well, I suppose it depends on how the trip goes. The likeliest outcome will be that I won't get a chance to see Beckett again for almost a year. When I know it's going to be that long, the intensity tends to fade down by itself after a while. After he ended things last year, I was able to purposefully turn down the intensity by taking him off my "see first" list on FB once he was with his junkie ex. I don't want to do that right now, though, because I'm still trying to figure out WTF about this trip.

Welp. My cheesy infatuation problems now seem super insignificant.

So. I'm stopping writing here. At least for a while. Writing is one of the things that I do best, and I think my pen will be a better tool for activism if I pour my heart into that stuff rather than into writing about poly and poly processing. I plan to spend the coming weeks researching where my skills, talents, and time are best used, and then use them once I figure it out.

I'm also stopping dating for now. I disabled my OKC. I let Jason know that I still wanted to be friends with him but I wasn't going to be dating. He is actually on the same page. I also let my other newer contacts know. So there really won't be "poly news" anyway.

If you're a friend here and will be sad to totally disconnect, PM me and I'll give you my Facebook URL. There are definitely a bunch of you here that I'd trust with my real name and details after two and a half years of my writing here. Maybe you can join whatever fight I end up joining.

I'm sure I'll be back eventually.

Good luck, Reverie.

I'm still alive. I haven't been around here much at all. A million things have happened.

Politically, I've been protesting and reading and calling and started a website to help people figure out how they can fight.

Professionally, I have been super busy and recently committed to somehow taking on an outside-of-regular-work-hours project for the entire month of January. That, coupled with activism and Perry returning from his Asia trip (therefore firing our band up again) means that I am likely to continue to have no time to write here.

Personally, I went to visit friends and family over Thanksgiving. Here are brief updates of what's happening with everyone:

Allie - It turns out that I think my attraction to her has run its course. We still slept over with her—Rider is still really into her and I went along with it and had fun regardless—but I suppose eventually I will need to communicate to her that I'd like to transition to a platonic friendship. There is no rush since she is so far away that it is unlikely to be a pressing issue anytime soon.

Sam - We're definitely just platonic friends now, and I'm OK with that. We did do some platonic cuddling, but his overall behavior said "just friends" to me. Seeing that, and him, gave me the closure I needed. I'm open to that changing at some point in the future, but I'm not hurting anymore. It is what it is.

Jake - Things got a little...weird...with him for a minute. But they are OK now. We got drunk and he was not behaving in a way that matched his monogamous commitment. We communicated about it and have completely closed the door on anything more than 100% platonic, for the good of his relationship. He really likes this girl and still struggles with monogamy. He may come out to visit in the spring.

Kitty - We hung out with her and her boyfriend. Rider still carries a torch for her but nothing is going to happen there anytime soon.

Beckett - ...

Oh, Beckett. I spent the night with him one night while I was there. No underwear came off, but it was a pretty steamy night, and a very intimate, affectionate morning. He attended the BBQ with me the next day, and then we went to the gay bar where I met his boyfriend, who seemed sweet enough. We've been texting for weeks since, sometimes a lot, sometimes only a little—the usual Beckett hot-and-cold business. And the usual glee and agony on my part. I finally got to kind of a breaking point.

I'd been bending my budget back and forth to try to make space to fly to see him on a short whirlwind weekend trip, if he be amenable to the idea. I'd purposely put off raising the idea to him until today, when I was certain that I could come up with the funds. Part of the reason why is because I know that every time I bring up plans, the line goes dark for days, and I was enjoying talking to him. But I have also been slowly edging toward being done.

So today I texted him and offered to visit, knowing the likelihood that he'd stop replying to me as a result. Usually, when I try to plan things with him, he stops. And usually, I draw him back in with something light-hearted a few days later. Not this time. Either he replies, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, I'm not going to, either. He could even say no. But if he says NOTHING AT ALL, then I am done. If he's not replying and I'm not replying, then I guess we're not talking. There is no need for me to have a person in my life—not even a "friend"—who won't give me the courtesy of a yes or no response when I offer to visit.

Back on the homefront...

Rider - He's seeing someone now. I haven't met her yet but probably will next week. He and I hit a rough patch for a day but came out stronger again, like we do. The gist of the issue was my being frustrated that after a year of trying pretty diligently to meet people, and going out with 13 different new people since we've been here, I still can never seem to like anyone new. Meanwhile, he gets a message out of the blue from one girl and it's instant success, creating an imbalance that is the exact thing that I was trying to head off at the pass with all my dating. I failed.

I was really worried about falling again into the situation we'd had back in Florida, where I was reaping zero poly benefits (no real other partners on my end) and yet enduring all the poly drawbacks (processing my partner's other relationships and divided time). Basically my thought was that I became poly, in part, because I have so much love to give that one relationship can't contain it all, so then why does it always seem like I never HAVE multiple real relationships? And when Rider does and I don't, it's like I don't even have ONE full relationship. How many years will it take before I chalk the whole poly thing on my end up to a failed experiment that has really not benefited me much? These are the directions our conversations went in. To discuss everything that has happened with him would take more time than I have tonight, so I'll leave it at that. We're currently good. Things are stable.

Me - I have a date with someone new tomorrow, kind of by accident. I'd signed into OKC during a long discussion with Rider just to "prove" to him that there was no one on there that I could possibly like. And then of course the moment I did that, OKC made a liar out of me: the very first person who popped up in the feed was someone I hadn't seen on there before who seemed interesting. Maybe, if he's interesting IRL, the imbalance will be corrected. Maybe not.

I have been trying hard not to go too often down my rabbit hole of "poly doesn't work for me and monogamy doesn't work for me, so maybe I should just run away and be celibate, to save everyone the trouble." It's an unproductive thought loop fraught with anxiety. Rider is really good about supporting me emotionally. He says that we are going to be life partners no matter what; even if I need to pull away from romantic life altogether and be a crazy cat lady at some point, he still wants to be my best friend and be married to me and build a life with me. We can still be each other's "person." I am super lucky to have someone who is that committed to me and loves me so much. It's good to know that no matter what, I will have that love and support when I need it. And I really do think I'd be OK being alone romantically, if it came to that.

Rider seems to believe that my becoming a cat lady is unlikely. He keeps believing that, any day now, my other prince will come who will resolve all the imbalances that have been an issue throughout our entire three years. I am skeptical but open. He thinks that I can have anyone I'd like, so it logically balances out his liking almost anyone. But I like almost no one. Introverted + busy + picky = not fertile ground for romance. The entire time we've been together, aside from Beckett, no one has been both local and a viable partner. And, honestly, I think that some of the partners I've had wouldn't have continued to be viable, had they been local; after all, of my long-distance partners, Moss dumped me for someone else, and sex didn't work well with Sam or Jake.

Rider and I seriously discussed cancellation and postponement, but in the end, we are moving forward with our wedding. Friday we are driving to the town where we plan to marry, and on Saturday we are going to dine at the restaurant where we are thinking of having our post-wedding dinner, to make sure that it is up to snuff.

Despite some bumps in the road, I love Rider to a depth that words can't explain. I really do adore and cherish him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm glad that we're both willing to look at alternative structures for making that happen, if the traditional ones end up not quite fitting the bill.

For now, I am just taking things as they come. Things with Rider and this new girl will either get stressful and crazy, or they won't. Beckett will text me back with plans, or he won't. The guy I'm meeting tomorrow will appeal to me, or he won't. I'll find someone else, or I won't. If I don't, I'll either tire of the imbalance and have to disconnect from Rider romantically, or I'll learn how to be involuntarily but successfully mono/poly.

I feel like I'm growing a great many leathery callouses in different areas of my heart, and also like my tiny personal dramas mean nothing when civilians are being slaughtered in Aleppo and Trump is appointing monsters to lead the country. Everything is falling apart, and I think constantly of how I don't really want to live in this world anymore. I'd kind of like to throw myself into the sea since no one is depending on me. But if I were to lie down and die, that would be a waste, so if I die, I will at least die fighting.

I have the week after xmas off, so maybe I will write more then.

Oh, Reverie.

*big hugs* I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult. I just want to say that I am a big fan of you. I think you're awesome and brave and beautiful.

The Beckett situation seemed problematic. But I get why you didn't quit him when it first started to occur to you that it was, why you will try to hold onto what you can there for a while. I predict that you'll give yourself ultimatums for a while and eventually you'll find the space you need emotionally to be really DONE, especially if you find and embark on a new adventure and get into NRE town with somebody else.

And yes, the world has become a crazy, scary, awful place in many ways. But do try not to forget, how much good there also is. How about instead of going to visit Beckett, or withdrawing from society or from relationships, you consider giving yourself a break from all of it, and a vacation just for YOU?

I see a lot of people (mostly women) overextending themselves and driving themselves a little crazy, between the time of year and anything else going on, and I swear if I gotta create permission slips for women to do something good to care for ourselves, I might just do it...