Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat
Funny that none of those reasons are "I really love him and I want to be with him and I want to make this work." Not saying those aren't true, just noting that your reasons for not wanting a divorce are either materialistic (even if you put emotional energy into your house, the house isn't the marriage), or else concern about what others will think of you. Neither of those can make you truly happy.
that's fair...and honestly, i know those things won't make me happy. but the house (for me and obviously for him to) represents a common goal that we have (or had)...so the idea of leaving it is representative of losing that common goal and bond. i guess it probably sounds materialistic, but it's a bit of a metaphor for me too.
and i guess part of what i'm bemoaning about the house and the social stuff is that if it weren't for those things, i think perm and i could take some time off from each other, live apart for a while, regroup a little bit and figure out something that works for us. but as it stands, it's kind of an all or nothing thing, since we're totally integrated at this point.
and i'm sad that we aren't really out to his friends or anyone else in his life. i feel like the poly (and to some extent, me being bi and other various things about my past) is something he went to great pains to hide from everyone he introduced me to. so even if we manage to pull out of this with a functioning marriage, none of those people will ever be able to understand what is really going on with us.
at one point he said to me "i hope you find what you were looking for"...and i was just totally flabbergasted...because i HAD it for a while there. i had (or thought i had) a good marriage with him and a good relationship with cue too. but telling him that just made him more upset. =/
anyway, guilty as charged on focusing on the non-emotional stuff. but part of that is because i was focused solely on the emotional stuff for 3 weeks and we gained NO ground. so i think i'm just tired of insisting that i love him and don't want to lose him, etc., because it hasn't worked.