Originally Posted by Irena
It sounds like you're able to be patient, understanding, and non-defensive, which is awesome. I hope things work out for all three of you!
I should point out right away
that I'm no saint. I've had my fair share of meltdowns, unfairnesses and hypocrisy over the years we've been together and in the last two months of hard work. I also panic and despair sometimes, fantasizing about (and even planning) moving out. It helps lately that I'm trying to approach this in a very conscious manner: studying techniques, reading your experiences, taking time to think about myself and S and D. These are all helping. And when I sit down to write to you, its usually after I've done some processing so it's nice and clean.
I asked S about seeing C again as a friend, asking what it would take to make her comfortable. Immediate panic reaction from S. Why, why do I want to see her again, why so soon, why ever, why do I need to do this to her? This is going to be hard to unravel. What did I manage to learn during the following talk?
The title of this post is pretty much right.
Paraphrased from talk with S: I don't feel polyamorous. I feel monogamous... bigamous I guess, as in two
No need to comment on that again, just sharing her mindset.
She needs to find her her own resources
She does not like internet forums, we haven't found local poly groups for her to talk to, and the recommended book I've been reading (The Ethical Slut) really rubs here the wrong way as the focus so far is heavily on the sexual
side. Can anyone recommend a poly book that focuses on the relationship
(From her side, she is trying to locate a counselor or therapist that would be competent to handle this kind of thing. I'll send her the thread on counselors)
S always saw C as a threat.
Okay, I'm a clueless fucking male and I didn't see this. Ever since I've known C, S has been scared. She's tried to put it away, to become friends, to figure it out. In fact, she's seen other friends of mine as threats.
This opened the door to the interesting question: why did/do you feel threatened? First answer in her head was because we already didn't have enough time together (Luckily, we are already working hard on that one), and she doesn't want me to get all my time pulled away by another woman. Okay, that's something we can work with! I left the "Threat" question open for followup another time, we'd already been through the ringer quite a bit.
S doesn't trust C, and I don't think she really trusts me to know / control my own emotions.
S thinks C will try to win me over in some slow sneaky way. Again, I'm a clueless male, but I don't really think so: when I asked her if she'd be interested in something with me, she immediately
shot me down because "I thought you were married!" (and luckily stayed a friend and I got a chance later to clarify). S also thinks I've 'crossed a line' and can't go back to thinking about this woman as just a friend.
I really think it would help if the two of them talked, but that's unlikely to happen.
I've agreed to hold off on contact for a while (easy agreement to make, since in 8 days we go to America for 3 weeks), but I'm worried even that won't be enough. What happens to my standing by principles if the hackles keep going up so strongly over this issue?
(One possible answer to my own question: You fool. The panic reactions are a subconscious attempt to control you. Stop being so understanding. Tear off the band-aid, force the issue, and she'll need to deal with it)
@rpcrazy: Our talks also go through tough circles before we reach the center important bits (not usually real yelling, luckily) Thanks for the tips, I'll try to digest them.
On the positive side, D is back in town. We've all been spending lots of time together and it feels pretty good to be friends again. I got melancholy at end of night, couldn't track down why, probably a reminder to take my personal space. Okay forums, thanks for letting me get all that out, I'm now off to sleep.