View Single Post
Old 06-28-2010, 08:56 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 135

Thanks! I have nothing to lose by being honest. I figure the more I just keep spilling the more the universe will direct me on the way home. I can take as many side streets as I like but I'm still going to have to come clean sometime, so why not now?

I spent most of today so far helping my recent long term gf move. Fortunately, she had also hired a moving company. For the past three years, we have lived together in a pretty small house (900 sq. ft.), but she already had a lot of stuff when we moved there. After three years, there's...more. It was fascinating to observe my codependent, rescuing impulses. She had not finished packing completely by the time the movers arrived and was feeling a lot of shame. I kept wanting to reassure her that it is just fine, it's no comment on her essential worth as a human being or whatever if she procrastinates and does things at the last minute. It's her style; it's just how she does things. But I have been working toward more of a balance for the past couple months and letting go of the bullshit "knight in shining armor" role, so instead I asked her some questions about where the shame was coming from? Which parental voice was it, her mother or her father? It opened up into an interesting conversation about poverty, hoarding, fear, the upheaval of moving and the whole idea of home and how we define ourselves through our stuff.

I noticed several times throughout the morning how many chances there were for me to take charge, solve a problem, direct the situation or otherwise make myself indispensable (haha) that I would just let go of. Not my problem. Not my role, not my place, not my job. It's good to notice, interesting to know I am moving on, fascinating to try to find a loving and compassionate balance that isn't obsessive, self-serving or based on the fear of not being loved.

Helping a significant other move after one has recently separated is a trip. It could be a recipe for real trouble. No jinx, but it is going all right so far. The two of us still have no idea precisely what sort of relationship we are going to have with each other, but we're in an okay period right now of not forcing the issue. It makes me think there should be a modality of couples counseling that simply has the two people get way into some sort of real world project, like building something together, moving, working at a shelter, cleaning out a barn. Can two people work together and be a team? Can that energy end up being healing energy for all of the hurt feelings, resentments and jealousy? It seems like a lot of couples work already involves this mutual project orientation, but makes the mistake of making the project the relationship itself. I don't know about you, but I don't really want to be in a primary relationship that is all about processing being in the relationship. Ugh. It's like a closed system. It might work for some or for short periods of time, but it starts to feel crushingly sealed off to me after hardly any time at all. Is it not a death knell when a relationship starts to be entirely about itself?

Anyway, I'm enjoying writing here and I hope some have enjoyed as well. Commentary is always welcome and I look forward to getting to know others here.

With gratitude,

Reply With Quote