I'm relatively new to this particular side of relationships...but here's something I've learned.
My g/f is very hard headed. She presents double standards out the ying-yang, and not even on purpose, i think it's just subconscious. As someone who is also very strong-willed and hard-headed, i was first very bewildered by her blatant hypocrisy. It made me so upset, I would yell, she would get scared, and we would entangle ourselves in circular arguments. However, now I've learned a technique to cope with it.
I've learned that whenever you feel injustice, it must be made known and dealt with immediately(same with all emotions really :P). After your feelings are made known, it is important to figure what you want out of the situation
, and appropriately deal with it; either by compromise, tolerated stalemate(agree to differ), or concession & apology by/for either side. In other words, you either let it go, both of you make some compromise, you both agree to disagree and the line of discussion ends, or one of you apologizes.
Putting myself in your situation I would be feeling two things.
1. Regret for not making my conditions fully known before the V happened, including the desire to be open to other people and NOT a closed V.
2. Extreme Injustice for not being to able to be as open as my partner.
I honestly don't even know how you can't look that situation and think, "wtf?"
And to help control the controlling behavior