Originally Posted by saudade
[*]Has he considered how his permission for you to have sex might be part of his addiction to porn? Is he comfortable with the ways the two issues may be tangled? (Are you?)
This is where I am struggling with all this and why I was thinking it sounded more normalized than perhaps is the usual. I think that Andrew really hit the nail on the head for me also in that perhaps you husband has had his fair share of affairs himself... maybe this is why for him it means little to nothing to say that he would be fine with you sleeping with other men. Perhaps it eases his own guilt. Perhaps he is so unattached to sex that it means absolutely nothing to him for you to have other men to have sex with. In fact I can totally see how his fantasizing about it might be more of a turn on than actually watching it if he is addicted to porn.
@Andrewwright- I liked your post. I didn't quite get it, but will check the link. Definitely food for thought.
Originally Posted by saudade
@RP: Slow it down. I know cheating is an issue you respond to really strongly, and I understand that, but I suspect Hush feels guilty enough as it is-- without your words. She says she's here because she wants to work on things, so let's get more information from her and offer advice, not just tear her down.
I agree, I was triggered with the "boyfriend" thing. It just kind of bugs when I work my ass off to have a boyfriend that is legit and Hush has one that is the result of cheating and affair. BUGS! sorry hush, it just does to me. *whine*
slowing down, having patience. bit of a tender spot for me right now and nothing to do with this thread....
"You don't call him your boyfriend, you don't act all surprised that he has an emotional reaction to that and you say your good byes to your other man just incase its done or you don't see him for a very long time. You also say goodbye to what you have known, because it will all change from here.
When I cheated on a boyfriend I was alarmed that he was emotional about it. I knew he'd be mad but he was devastated and I was genuinely surprised as I knew we weren't all that together in our relationship and hadn't been for awhile. I wish I had said good bye to the guy I had cheated with as it was impossible to create a good occasion to after I confessed. My world changed entirely and the moment we had had together was lost for ever. I didn't know that would happen.
I saw it as an entirely different thing when my boyfriend found out. It's impossible not to when you think you are going from one to the other with such ease and grace (even though you heart is in your throat every second of the day) and then the whole thing is ripped out from underneath you and you fall on your ass and really, no one is all that keen to pick you up again.
I am hoping that by giving you this info that you will realize what is possibly about to happen in your confessing.... I don't think it would be to your advantage to give you a sugar coated version..... maybe your husband has cheated too, maybe it hasn't all been that awesome in your marriage, maybe this will mean nothing and you will go about your merry way after you confess and this will be all for naught, but to me, from experience, there has never been any moment where it has been a good idea to make things better by cheating. Sure, it means you got some feel good moments of happiness, but they were a lie. Built on a lie.
I encourage you to find those feel good moments based on truth and pure integrity. I can tell you, there is nothing more elating than being completely up front, working through the shit storm that one causes and coming out the other side a free woman... I for one will never look back. Not for a million years. Honesty and openness have saved my heart and made me more happy than I thought imaginable. I sincerely wish for you that you give it a try and get to the bottom of your confusion. Not what you think might be it, but really what it is that is confusing and holding you back, so that you can also have a chance at being purely happy.
I don't know how you will do that, but keep talking. It will work out.