Hush, it sounds like you've gotten into an awful predicament. A lot of people on here realized we were poly because of situations we've gotten ourselves into, many of which involved cheating. I cheated emotionally in every mono romantic relationship I was in, and even sexually a few times (confessions and tears and yelling and all). Then I learned about poly, got some hard knocks, and eventually straightened myself out, and I won't ever put myself in a position where I'd consider cheating again.
You do all need to talk, a lot, and hopefully do some reading as well. The Ethical Slut
is a book I'd recommend highly, and there's an entire thread of reading recommendations on this site... somewhere.
Some things I'd ask your husband, if I were in your shoes:
- Is he still serious about being comfortable with you having sex with other men? (Other women?) Are there specific acts or details he'd be uncomfortable with (oral, sex in the home you share, kink, etc.)?
- Does he understand how you relate sex and love in your head? (Do you understand yourself in this way, enough to talk about it?) Is he comfortable with you having sex if love is involved?
- Is he comfortable with you having loving sex with the man you've cheated on him with? Is he fully aware that the two of you haven't stopped seeing each other? (Yes, I'd say you do need to ask outright. It's your call, of course.)
- Has he considered how his permission for you to have sex might be part of his addiction to porn? Is he comfortable with the ways the two issues may be tangled? (Are you?)
- Is this permission only for when he's traveling? (What are your thoughts on that?)
It sounds like you and your boyfriend (if you feel comfortable with the label, Hush, I'm willing to use it as well) have already done a fair amount of talking in terms of expectations, but all on the assumption that what you're doing is illicit. If it becomes open, how does that change his expectations, and yours? If he's a 'secondary' or even 'primary' for you, does that mean he won't walk away if he finds someone else? Will he want to move in with you? Would he expect to see you more/less/differently in a hypothetical new arrangement?
What kind of interactions are you all expecting your husband and your boyfriend to have? If one person is picturing them never meeting, and one person wants a coffee date and then minimal contact afterwards, and the third person wants to cohabit, then you're in trouble!
@RP: Slow it down.
I know cheating is an issue you respond to really strongly, and I understand that, but I suspect Hush feels guilty enough as it is-- without your words. She says she's here because she wants to work on things, so let's get more information from her and offer advice, not just tear her down.