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Old 06-27-2010, 02:15 PM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Default Weighing in

Hey, and welcome! You're right, it does sound like you're in a predicament. As a few others have said on here, it also sounds like you have the resources you'll need to navigate it-- I hope your whole vee does too.

Quote:From Irene: If I may... it sounds like you did do a teeny thing wrong, in asking C out before you'd gotten your primary partner's full go-ahead. From what you've written, it sounds like S has never gotten comfortable with the idea of your seeing someone else, and from her perspective it might look as though you used her being out of town to go behind her back and do something she wasn't okay with.
It is one of the things S got really mad about. I have mixed feelings about this. At the time and considering that S was aware and C wasn't "blacklisted", it felt reasonable to make sure C would even consider it before pushing the isusue with S. In retrospect YES I agree, I should have approached it the other way, dealt with my partner's feelings first.
I've been in your shoes before. It's a hard line to navigate: knowing your existing partner is going to really struggle, and wanting to make sure the fight is worth having before bringing it up. Regardless of how things go with C, you and S might want to have a talk (once things calm down) about how to scope out someone you're interested in, and what protocol you'd both be comfortable with... If you've found a prospective partner once, it's unlikely that it'll never happen again.

I'll follow up with her on the "why so fearful" question in future talks. I have some ideas, but it's a good idea to help her get them out in the open.
A word of caution (albeit one you might not need): While you may very well know every single reason that S is feeling afraid, it's just as possible that she has some concerns that haven't occurred to you. Keep an open mind, and try not to goad her into particular confessions that may or may not be accurate, and be aware that there may be something else entirely that she'll need to get off her chest.

I agree. I'm trying to learn if I can be happy and feel my needs are met in this closed V. I may not need balance in the sense that "I have equal rights", but simply balance in the sense that "the paybacks for this life are worth the costs over the longterm" (there are emotional costs to having your partner love another! hope that's okay to say on a poly forum)
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is the difference between fairness and equality. I have several loves (the count waffles between two and five, depending on how you do the math), all of whom live with me or will very soon (we're cohousing/communing/cooperatively living, in the poor, recent-college-graduate sense), and every relationship has its own dynamic. Treating every single person 'equally' doesn't make sense, and isn't fair to them or me or the needs of our relationships and ourselves. Navigating that line is so difficult!

Also, there's absolutely nothing wrong with admitting on here that there are emotional costs to poly. They are obvious enough that many monos profess that they couldn't do poly, and the quickest glance at thread titles on here can only confirm that. (That said, I adore being poly and won't change my orientation for anyone. For me, the benefits far outweigh the risks.)

I'm sure there's more to be said, but I'll try not to say it. Good luck, and keep posting-- we're here.

In cahoots,
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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