Illness and adequate support / Venting
Just a little background:
My current poly relationship: He: heterosexual; She: bi-sexual, Me: female, heterosexual. None of us currently have other partners. They have had another partner on a rather short term basis a couple of times in the past few years, and they anticipate she will soon be seeking out another partner after completing college in Dec. of this year. We're in the earlier stages of exploring a poly relationship. I didn't go looking for poly, and, in fact, had never heard of it prior to meeting this guy.
My couple is also raising her elementary aged son. They live together in his house which is a 6 hour drive from where I live. We've all met each other and shared 6 days together camping at an S.C.A event earlier this month. She and I got along well and I can see her as being someone I'd like for a friend regardless of any involvement with our guy. Right now I have more of a "secondary" role, although I wouldn't want to be a "secondary" in the long run. I told him this and he said it wasn't what he/they wanted either.
This past week brought up one of my biggest concerns about being in a poly relationship. Who...what...where....gets priority when there are mutual and individual wants and needs????? (Yes....I realize this comes up in mono relationships, but the additional numbers in poly just seem to complicate it more.) I ended up going to the hospital with an undiagnosed condition a little over a week ago. My guy was aware I had not been feeling well earlier that week as he and I had a few phone calls and at times I sought his professional advice since he's a nurse. I called him when the E.R. decided to admit me as an in-patient for further diagnostics and pain control. I reached his voicemail and left a message about where I was, along with a couple of phone numbers where he could reach me, e.g., my emergency cell phone and my hospital room phone.)
As the week worn on I became very frustrated and sad because the doctors couldn't find the source of my pain....only try and manage it. I'm typically an assertive independent intelligent woman whose a good self-advocate. But after several days of pain and frustration I was wearing out. After 7 days in the hospital I was to be discharged so I could be driven 5 hours and evaluated by a specialist. (The area of the country I live in is quite remote and medical services are very limited.) I was still experiencing pain and they hadn't been able to diagnose anything yet at the time of my discharge.
My guy and I had phone calls throughout the time I was in the hospital. I called him the night before my discharge from the hospital to tell him what the plan was. He then told me he wasn't scheduled to work for the next 3 days and that they and her son would be going out of town for those days. I could reach him by his cell phone if needed. The son had a swim meet and they had a couple of other meetings they needed to attend. (I think related to their S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronism) involvement.
After I hung up the phone from the call it really sunk in that there had been no mention or offer of cancelling out on his other plans and coming to see me during his 3 days off. (I wouldn't have expected he could do it in the middle of his work week due to the long distance between us.) So far, I'm the one whose done the driving to meet up with them since I'm single and it's easier for me to make room in my schedule and just pack up and go than to re-arrange 3 other peoples' schedules.
Now would I routinely think he should cancel other commitments to come visit me? NO. But this definitely wasn't a routine week for me and I needed/wanted comfort and support. Why bother having a partner if they can't be there for you (including being physically there for you) in difficult times???? I've been divorced for 8 years and lived on my own for all those years. Yes...I can survive on my own, but I'd like a caring partner(s) to share life with. Could I/Should I have specifically asked him if he would change his plans and come to see me??? Maybe...but in all honesty since he was the one with the plans I would have wanted him to bring it up. And I have a hard time when children are involved in terms of commitments and priorities.
Any thoughts about how to handle this situation??? I want to be "fair" and thoughtful of all partners/children in our poly situation, but I'm sure struggling with this one. And who knows.....maybe he wouldn't have wanted to drive that far and come to see me even if he didn't have any prior commitments or plans with someone else??!!
Last edited by dragonflysky; 06-26-2010 at 11:38 PM.