Originally Posted by jkelly
If he's willing to toss your marriage away because he thinks that your boyfriend is a loser and you're not doing enough housework, what's the next thing going to be that he throws a fit about and you need to change in order to keep him? And how much value is he placing in the marriage?
see that's the thing...he is doing this because he doesn't feel like i am as emotionally invested as he wants...and i get it. i really do. he doesn't want to throw our marriage away, but truly, in his mind, I
am the one throwing it away because i am not giving him what he wants or needs. but when i ask for things i can do, he points things i've fucked up in the past, or cue being a loser, or me *not* doing x, y or z instead of talking about what he NEEDS to feel like i'm emotionally invested. and hey, i am the first to admit mistakes and agree to learn from them and changed based on those lessons. and i have tried time and time again to just accept responsibility and ask forgiveness so he can get some closure on the things that were wrong...but when all i get is the past rubbed in my face, i don't even know how to start changing things.
i've explained time and time again that unless i can get specifics (and i mean POSITIVE specifics, not "dump cue so you can focus on us"), i naturally gravitate towards MY model of emotional investment: being here physically, trying to engage him in conversation and check in with him, keeping up my part of the housework, contributing to our joint accounts, supporting him in his career, hobbies and other relationships, forgiving him if things go wrong, telling him i love him, etc. if he wants something different or more, he either needs to spell out specific THINGS for me to do or he's going to have to step up/change the feedback he gives to get the results he wants. i've never gotten much in the way of feedback from him, and i even suggested more positive verbal feedback as a very easy way for him to get me "engaged" again. his response? "well obviously cue does that and i don't, so i'll just deal" and completely shut down despite my insistence that it was about ME AND HIM, not him vs. cue. ARRRRGH!!!!
but like he said to the therapist, he truly feels like if i REALLY love him, i should anticipate what he needs and he shouldn't have to spell it out for me. so yeah...frustrating.