perm has hung out several times in the last 2 weeks with his most recent girlfriend. last week he went with her to run some "quick errands" (at 8:30) and didn't get back till 1am. he insists to me that they're still broken up, but dude, come on...they're clearly still hooking up or *something*. /sigh. i feel like that is unhealthy for both of them to drag it out if that's what's happening. i wish if he was still interested in her, he would just be honest about it. i like this gal and she and i get along great. i would have no problem with him dating her again!
meanwhile i haven't stayed with cue or even seen L since this whole thing started, which is a huge change for me. for the past 6 months, perm and cue were essentially my co-primaries, with my sleepovers split 50/50 or 60/40 with perm/cue - an arrangement that was the result of a discussion with perm and his suggestion.
so i come home every night (although i admit i've been working late and spending more time at the gym)...but the house feels hostile and empty. i won't say i feel uncomfortable here, because i refuse to feel uncomfortable in my own home, but there definitely isn't much discussion happening. he sleeps on the couch (not because i asked him to...i go to bed earlier than he does and about a week ago he just stopped coming to bed with me). a few times i've tried to start a conversation and it's lead to an argument and goes right back to the ultimatum.
yesterday i started making a kind of map of possibilities, with extremes on all sides (ending my relationships with cue/L, ending my marriage with perm, ending all my relationships, ending none of my relationships) and working in towards the middle, factoring in variables like living arrangements and alignment (swinging/poly/polyfi/mono).
my thought is i'll identify the options/paths and i really want, the ones that i can accept as long as we're working towards something else, and the ones that i cannot accept at all. then maybe i can sit down with perm and see if we can find some happy medium. if we can, then i can go to cue and L and see if this aligns with what they need/want...which will piss perm off because they haven't "earned" the right to anything, but i really feel like they deserve a say or to at very least be informed.
so that's kind of my project at the moment. i feel like if i have a "map", then i can set about the emotional task of making that a reality. right now i feel nothing towards perm except maybe some pity and concern. i love him, but i do not want to be physically or emotionally close to him at all.
surprisingly, he agreed this morning that i could go spend some time with cue and L today to celebrate L's birthday. then he promptly invited his ex over...lol. so they're both sitting here now watching soccer and i get the distinct impression they'll hook up after i leave. i don't know what she knows or doesn't know and i haven't had an opportunity to talk to her about it...but that just feels weird.
i went ahead and made another individual appointment for the therapist for next wednesday. not sure what i am going to talk to her about, especially if i have my possibility map finished. but we'll see.
thanks to everyone for your words of kindness, support and wisdom. it feels nice to have a support system with some knowledge and experience, even if it is virtual!