As I mentioned in my introduction
, I've run into some trouble and could use an ear, a shoulder, even some wisdom.
We've been living as a male-female-male V for 5 years, my wife S is the hinge and our good friend D is the other arm. We hadn't been open before, we began as a fun sexual triad, but changed over to a V when their feelings deepened. Changing to the V was difficult for me and against my wishes at the time ("That wasn't in the plan!", hah, like you can plan these things), but with communication and love we eventually worked things out and found a good stability.
S has since struggled with the idea that I (or D) might someday also take a lover, something that became theoretically possible when we became a V. We'll sometimes discuss someone I'm curious about, but I haven't pressed the issue before. She's set boundaries, for instance: "No one from this social scene", or "T's behavior makes me uncomfortable, she's off-limits". No problem there.
At one point she told me clearly, "If you ever do, just make sure I never learn about it." Wow. A 'dont ask dont tell' policy? No way, that's not how we got so far as we did.
Well, it finally happened. I'd been friends with C for about a year and was continually more fascinated and the friendship kept deepening. I discussed her a bit with S, and she never got blacklisted. They know each other, but aren't particularly close. Plus I'm feeling strong and confident with our V, it seems healthier than ever.
So I finally got up the nerve, heart pounding like crazy, and asked C out. Botched it
but eventually got it sorted out
. C is interested, yay! Major good feelings inside, looking forward to this.
S comes home from a weekend trip with D. I let her know what I've got cooking. She's furious. End of good feelings. I'll skip the major jealousy, fights, the 2-month road back to health and an even keel. Long story short, this makes S realize that she really can't share me with anyone.
Now I'm left in a tough spot with a lot of questions.
I definitely never signed up to be the arm of a closed V. I feel like a bad-guy for wanting this, but if we aren't going to be mono then I want the rights to take another lover. Any thoughts on... survival as the arm of a closed V? ... gently helping her let go of her fear/possessiveness?
I sometimes want to retaliate, force us back to mono, cut D out of our lives. "If I can't, you can't!" This feeling never survives me actually sitting down and talking to D: he's a human being not an enemy, he's a good friend that I want to KEEP in my life. But it's there, a nasty hurt-back feeling. Any thoughts on... smoothing this out in myself? ... how to ethically handle it if I can't live with him anymore?
I really feel bad that I've lost C as a good friend, seeing C even in friendship mode raises major friction. This is one boundary that I will hold strong on: Neither C nor I did anything wrong here - forcing me to abandon my friendship while S keeps her lover is a mark of deep disrespect to me. I'm going to work on that this week.