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Old 06-25-2010, 11:27 PM
Noname Noname is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 20

This is great advice. Still leaves me with some questions though.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
They should definitely start hanging out together if they don't know each other. that is where to start! I thought they knew each other too. Yup, would invite the ex over for a supper that you would make and allow them to talk and get to know each other while you treat them like the queens they are. Lavish some good hosting on them and make them feel comradeship with each other right away. Make it fun and light, where a cute apron, whatever you can think of to make it a fun evening of laughing and lightness.
If they knew each other I think this part would be easier, or I would have a better clue if it might work. I know they are going to have to be friends for this to work the way I hope it would.

I guess a better question is how to go about setting up a meeting between them. My GF is going to want to know why I am wanting the ex to come over, and the ex is going to want to know why I would want her to come over. I dont think I would have an issue keeping them both entertained and happy, just not sure how to make that first step.

As I have said I think they would get along fine. They both have the same occupation but in different places. Both like many similar activities. Both have similar "morals" (might be a poly hang up). Both are amazing in similar ways but each are very much their own person.

My fear here is that GF will fall into the trap of motivational butt kicker for the two of you (ex and you).... not fair. I fall into that quite often. If and when this all works out, make sure that you keep your relationship with both separate as no metamour should be butt kicking a relationship that isn't hers... your relationship with the GF is a separate thing entirely from the friendship you have with the ex. Getting together and having a poly relationship, will not fix the relationship you had before, that didn't work out. You may all get along, but that is it. It's up to you and the ex to work out what happened that you all didn't work the first time round.
I can understand that and those are the kind of things I am trying to sort though. The more I read the more I learn, even if poly does not work I am learning. Each of them has things they are good at that and enjoy that the other does not. My GF hates shopping (not counting regular trips for food/house supplies) as much as I do so we dont get much done when we try. The ex loves to go to the mall and shop. Just one small example.

So the way I am thinking now is that by each having differences like that each person for lack of a better word has a "roll" in the relationship based on what they enjoy and are good at. That is how it usually works in a mono so I would assume it is the same in a poly.

I'm also concerned that you are hesitating on the thought of either of them having other lovers. If you are finding your back is getting up over that one, then it might just well mean that ex stay a really good friend and not take it anywhere else... unless you can commit to the change that will occur, don't do it... your ladies have minds of their own and will not have your undivided attention all on them all of the time any more. They will want something more in some way to make up for that, and the first thing they will think about is finding other lovers. I can pretty much guarantee that they will have no problem once they get out there. Women generally don't, it's the guys that have a hard time finding another lover. It seems this is the very first step, as is the one noted above.
I know. I need to do more reading up on that part. More reading on why I would be uncomfortable with it. Finding out if I would ever be or could be either comfortable or even supportive of it. This is some more stuff I need to find out about me. If there are more ways to learn about this I am all ears.

So a few more thoughts on this one. After the first couple of years with the ex when I started cheating I had thought about "what if she is cheating on me". While it was not a good feeling it was not a bad one either. My thinking was that if it does not interfere with our relationship and it makes her happy, why not. I still didnt want to know about it though. Kind of an out of sight out of mind thing as in if I dont have to think about it then it would not bother me. I had a totally casual relationship with one girl on and off for several years and nothing about that bothered me. But with her it was a decent friendship with sex, not a lot of emotional connection. It still bothers me even today (have not had sex in over a year and no plans to any time soon) when she is checking out other guys and comments about it. We were out for a couple of hours this weekend just as friends and it is weird for me to hear that. So I need to look at myself more and read more about why I feel that way.

Last edited by Noname; 06-25-2010 at 11:51 PM.
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