View Single Post
Old 06-25-2010, 05:12 PM
Noname Noname is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 20

Thank you all so much for the help so far. As I have said I dont want to jump into anything without deciding what it is that I really want and need. Then once I figure that out then I can do something with it. I know this is not an overnight process. I have learned a lot in the last few days.

Let me break down some of my thoughts and see if I can learn more.

Originally Posted by joyfulgirl26 View Post
i would not talk to your ex first, and here's why:

if you talk to your ex and she is on board, then you have already created some expectations (or at least some anticipation) for both of you. you have already started rekindling *something* with her. then when you go to your girlfriend, she ALREADY feels like she is on the outside of it. if you guys were already in an established poly relationship and had had previous experiences, that might be different, but your girlfriends FIRST experience with poly would be "hey, i wanna do this and we're all ready to go and how do you feel about it?"

and to be clear, there's nothing saying you can't discuss polyamory with your ex. send her some links, get her take on the philosophy and see what she thinks. just don't promise or even allude to something (a relationship or something akin to it) until you make sure your current partner is on board.
That totally makes sense and was not how I was going to present it. It was more a feel it out with the ex and see if it would even be an option. I was not planning on getting the ex all ready to go with the idea and then dump it on the GF. It was a matter of if this is something the ex would consider then I really need to talk to the GF and work with her. Maybe that is still a wrong way of looking at it.

as for the positive gains for your girlfriend, that's a great question, and kudos to you for giving it thought. is she really independent? would she appreciate extra alone time to explore hobbies or personal interests? or would she resent having less of your time? could you all hang out together and do activities as a group? how does your current girlfriend feel about the ex? do they know each other? do they know about each other? not deal-breakers, but definitely something to think about.
Well it was my friends thought, but I am soaking up all I can. As it is I am gone out of town 2 days a week for work so plenty of free time. My GF is very independent cause she has always had to do things for herself.

The ex and GF dont know each other, so I dont think they have an opinion one way or the other. The ex might not be happy with the GF as we are together but I dont know so I will have to ask her at some point. They both know about each other from the back and forth we did. I was honest with each every time things changed and I was back and forth.

another thing to think about that could be a potential "plus" for the ladies: would you be open to them dating other people as well? if that point, what are they getting out of it? unless they're both bi and hot for each other, good friends (or potentially good friends) or both super super independent...well...i dunno, maybe just think on it for a while. put yourself in their shoes. that goes a long way.
I am not sure how I would feel about them dating. I know it is one sided and learned on here that it is something I need to look into which I will. I dont think the GF would want to date, but I could be wrong. I am 50/50 on if the ex would. They are not bi, or at least I am about 99.9% sure.

I dont really see myself wanting to be in a V relationship but that might be where it needs to start. While the girls are different I think they have lot in common too. I think they could be friends and would hope that it would work where we could all do stuff together. I have wanted to share the fun things I have done with both of them. Me and the GF have a cool 2 day trip planned. I had to see the ex the other day and wanted to tell her about the trip, and in reality have her included, but I said nothing. I said nothing cause I didnt feel right and I didnt want to hurt her.

Of course each has somethings they like that the other does not. So there needs to be alone time with each of them.

sounds like you're on the right track...just don't rush into anything. best of luck to you and your ladies!
Thank you, I am learning a lot and have a long way to go.

Last edited by Noname; 06-25-2010 at 05:56 PM.
Reply With Quote