A couple of things that I have to remember:
1. For me, the hours from midnight to about 5 AM tend to be darker emotionally. It could be that the diurnal serotonin-and-other-chemistry cycles are naturally at low ebb. But whatever the cause, if I am awake during those hours my thoughts tend toward pessimism and self-doubt. It's a bad time to make life-decisions!
2. Emotional awareness, the ability to feel yourself, seems to me strongly tied to self-esteem. I had numbed myself in order to deal with a meth-addicted son and a dead marriage, and after those situations ended I began to un-numb myself. When I could weep over what had happened then I began to be alive and real again. That was when I began to see myself as a worthwhile person. So don't stop your feelings just because a guy built like a fridge "shouldn't" cry. You need to feel.
*Just my experience. Your mileage may vary.*
On the forum stuff: All we others ever see of you and Matilda is what is written, and words are very, very slippery. (Believe me -- I've sat through a lot of writing and literature classes, and people get WAY different meanings out of what seem like the most straightforward sentences!) So please forgive us if we misunderstand, if we seem unsympathetic to one or the other, or if we go off on irrelevant tangents.
I try not to point fingers and assign blame, but I don't always see things clearly and I don't always know enough to be fair and balanced. For that I apologize.
I'll repeat the advice I wrote on Matilda's thread: If you don't have a therapist then get one ASAP. Today and not tomorrow. The right person will not judge either of you, and will give you both essential practical advice on dealing with the incredible stresses that are driving you to sleeplessness and her to distraction.
Oh, and an afterthought on antidepressant drugs: For me they worked for many years; I no longer need them. When I used them they disconnected some of my creativity, lowered my sexual drive, and dulled my emotional acuity. They probably don't have these effects on all people or even most people, and certainly for biochemical depression they are FAR BETTER than leaving the condition untreated. But make sure any doctor who prescribes them takes your unique response very, very seriously.
Last edited by EugenePoet; 06-25-2010 at 03:35 PM.