It's 3am here, I can't sleep. My mind is whirring, thinking of the past and the possible future that lies ahead. I feel more grounded than I've felt in a while. I don't know if I'm deluding myself but I do know that drop kicking the baggage from my past is the appropriate thing to do. Clarity is a rare thing, I've sleep walked the past 10 years, afraid to face my demons, afraid to drop the baggage. I have been arrogant in my stupidity. I thought I was fine, I didn't need help. I refused to listen to anyone, accept help from anyone. So many times people reached out to me, offering support and I pushed them away. I ran on anger, anger at myself mostly, fear and loathing of myself. I could not see through other peoples eyes, people who mattered. I drove my family away, my in-laws away. I have to move on from here and learn to love myself, not in some narcissistic way, but in a healthy, open, way that does not drive people away from me. I am full of regret for my treatment of the people around me, especially Matilda. I have been a coward, afraid of my own shadow, afraid of me. Afraid to explore my own being. Right now I feel confident, tomorrow I may not be quite so up-beat. When I look around me at the damage I've caused I'm saddened. Saddened by the lost time with my children, saddened by the damage I've done to Matilda, saddened by the lost friendships and lost time. I have been a spoiled child, wrapped in my own world, throwing a tantrum whenever I didn't get what I wanted right away. Sulking for the most insane reasons. When I look back, it's not a pretty sight. Right, enough of this navel gazing, I'd better go to bed, tomorrow is another day and I have alot of work to do.
Anger from the past merely destroys the future - Me