I'm going to throw this out there, I've been spending alot of time thinking and crying -shock horror a grown man 6"2 and built like a fridge (to borrow Matildas description of me) crying like a baby at work. I think I know why I've behave the way I have for the past 10 years or more and it's really banal. Good old fashioned self-esteem. I studied psychology donkeys years ago and I got to thinking about me and my little brain and how it works.
It all started with my parents and they instilled in me the notion that I'm useless, not worth the time of day etc etc. Anyway, I met Matilda and we decided we were getting married, my family (aka my father) tried the whole 'thou shalt not get married - I forbid it routine - this added to that little beacon in my brain. Were it not for Matildas strength I'd have caved. Anyway, got married and the stress of life kicked in a series of misfortunes job wise and I blamed myself for those disasters, internalised and added to the wee beacon, my self-image plummetted, then after another series of disasters, I wound up in the job I'm in. Frankly I hate it or rather I used to hate it. I was trained by my good father that you're useless unless you have a high flying career (funny how that sounds just like him) and every day I went into work that bloody beacon in my brain went off shouting, 'hey you're useless etc etc.
Now my doctor noticed that I was depressed and put me on some wee tablets to balance my seratonin etc etc. Thinking about it now, it was a plaster on an open wound.
I'm not saying this excuses my behaviour, but it certainly goes along way to explain why I behaved the way I did. We still need to go to councilling, we still have a huge amount of work to do and she looked at me with the whole, 'oh yeah' look and frankly I'd look at me with the whole 'oh yeah' stance if I told me that was why I'd behaved like a right knob over the course of 15 years. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced I'm right. It's also settled a whole lot of questions in my head about my sexuality and stance on relationships. I'm very liberal, I'm very open minded, still bi (shugs), but I'm definitely Mono in my outlook.
I'm still in the position I'm in, I've still hurt the most important woman in my life. I wish to god I could remove the stupid, idiotic things I've done. I have been very confused over the past I don't know how long and I have to thank everyone on this forum for their help and advice. I'd like to think that I can still post here especially if Matilda hasn't figured out if she's poly or mono yet