I feel lost, in a limbo-like state that's hard to fathom. Feelings that have been pushed down for too long, racing through me. Feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel. I veer from hopeful, to despair and back again. I find I'm going back to the remedies I used as a kid. I lose myself in loud music, I escape to the car and pull music from the pc in the house and escape for a while. It helps. Today we went swimming and it was great, the old banter between us re-surfacing, the Matilda I know is in there somewhere coming out. I feel elation and then it hits me, the regret, the loss and I feel a whole lot of anger at myself for letting my ambition - career etc - from getting in the way. All the times I wasn't there, all the times I was 'too busy.' Songs I haven't listened to in years come to mind, Bryan Adams - Everything I Do. I know in my heart that I'm not what I was even a few short months ago. We've been talking and talking and talking. Slowly, little by little I'm changing I fight the demons inside me and I am consciously letting go. It scares the hell out of me. I want so much to see Matilda be all she can be. I have been so afraid to love, to just let go, to just trust. I'm terrified that now that I can it's too late.
Anger from the past merely destroys the future - Me