So, is this success and happiness? I don't know....
Tonight we all ate dinner together, Derby came over, the kids played, it was lovely. It has been a tough few days where my edges are frayed and I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I needed a nice time with those I hold dear.
I have been getting really frustrated with Nerdist about the business of moving in together. He hasn't been quick to tell me what is going on for him (preoccupied and hasn't thought of it as a prime focus) and I have been waiting so long for SOMETHING to move forward.
We got to the bottom of it tonight, Nerdist, Mono and I... he just isn't ready to say yes and isn't ready to be ready for that yes, if it ever comes.
At least I know now. There is some success and happiness in that, but I am no further ahead in what I need and that is the disappointment and frustration.
I need, at this point, to not be traveling back and forth between homes, I need to be in a house where we are all together, especially with my child, I need my own space in the form of my own room.
Okay I realize these things are a luxury and a lot to ask, but when I lay there on the couch listening to the two of them talk and all I could think about was, "I wonder if I should sleep on the couch tonight so I will be able to hum to myself under the blanket like I did when I was a kid," and "oh that dreadful feeling of having to say goodbye to Mono yet again... why does that never go away?" I feel as if I NEED these things at this point!
Otherwise I will have to think of other ways to get these needs met.... perhaps my own place is a better option after all,,, or perhaps its late and my emotions are running high. It is common thought for me in the last few months however. Perhaps I have this all wrong and have been waiting for nothing and should take another path? At least it would cover some of my needs.
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