View Single Post
Old 06-23-2010, 04:53 PM
joyfulgirl26 joyfulgirl26 is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 36

Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
The world he lived in was crumbling because a polyamorous relationship was too far beyond his boundaries to consider.
which is why i'm posting here, trying therapy, etc. and not just saying "screw you man, i'm out of here!" he is clearly massively distressed. and in our session the therapist even said to him "you are in a constant state of stretch, aren't you?" and he agreed. which sucks, because starting out 5 years ago, i NEVER got the impression that poly felt like a "stretch" to him.

I know that some people mentioned above, he seems to be throwing a fit because his other relationships failed; but i'm not convinced that's the case given your current information. What are the details of his relationships? It seems logical to me that he was only dating other people to adapt and get over what you were doing. However he never thought of it the same as you...ever, hence his "thoughts" on the girls he was dating and maybe how he never seemed serious about them. I would agree that this is his own fault, and most likely like a lot of men, he has some deep seated objectification of women issues. His logic in dating other people was seemingly far different than the reasons you are with cue.
yes, yes, yes! i think you are spot on. both of the women he dated became pretty deeply emotionally attached to him, but he seemed to maintain a level of emotional detachment from both of them...kind of held them at arms length (which made me sad). in fact, he even acknowledged at one point that he was only dating the girlfriend who lived with us because she pursued him pretty heavily. when it was just me and him, he had absolutely no interest in her and resisted her attempts to date him, but about a month after cue came into the picture...surprise, surprise, they hooked up!

and both of these women made reference at one time or another to being in his life long-term and both times he came to me absolutely freaking out...and i was stumped! they both loved and cared immensely for him and were just talking about how they felt and what their hopes were for the relationship. and honestly, if perm had shown real emotional attachment to either of them, i would have been 100% behind finding an arrangement that facilitated whatever long-term integration they (as a couple) were interested in.

I wish I could give some definitive help but to be honest, but I just can't. IMHO, I think you're at a different "level" in your state of being, than he is. I don't want to say "higher" but...yeah. It seems all you are doing is trying to compromise. However this is just my opinion, and we obviously don't have his side of the story. Maybe he could write on here and get others' opinions?
i think the fact that i even posted here would make him really upset and angry. i told him that i talked to L about what's going on and he was REALLY upset about it. but that's a huge part of why i am out as poly to the majority of my support system, so i can talk to them about this stuff when it comes up! we're really at a point now where any discussion makes him angry and indignant, so i'm hesitant to bring up ANYTHING (which i know is cowardly and irresponsible...i've gotta knuckle down soon, cause living with this level of anxiety is making me physically sick). i'm certainly not at all opposed to him reading/posting here, but i have a bad feeling that i'd get a lot of blowback about it...can't quite put my finger on why or what he might accuse me of, it's just a gut feeling that it would be ugly. =/

thanks everyone for the support and sympathy and thank you to gabe for the thoughtful response, i really appreciate it.

Last edited by joyfulgirl26; 06-23-2010 at 07:17 PM. Reason: i can haz spellingz
Reply With Quote